Always Questioning. I really need to stop doing that.

Where in the World is D?

As usual, second guessing himself. UGH!

10.11.09

Self-doubt has been a life long companion of mine. If I had any “monkey’s on my back”, that would be it. Why? Lord only knows. A broken brain, or maybe just a broken heart. Maybe neither is broken, but seriously sprained. A nagging injury that just won’t heal. This time in Taiwan will be my physical therapy of sorts. Instead of going to a trainer to heal my sprained ankle, I am going to learn to relax and go with the flow. To just “be” and be ok with simply be-ing and not do-ing .

*A side note for my more conservative Christian friends who’s knee jerk reaction will surely be something along the lines of “trust God not yourself” or “God is the best therapist for you”. If you had any of those responses or anything like it… STOP!!!! Those responses insult my very deep faith and makes me terribly angry. You don’t think I have a regular conversation with Jesus about this. Struggles are not always due to some sort of deficit in my faith, prayer life, worship, tithing or other Christian ritual. Don’t be so quick to understand me. If you knew the whole story and saw the world through my eyes and experience, you might more likely say something like, “Dang, Darryl’s a tough guy. He’s still standing and fight after all that?!”

The thing is, the doubt is not in every aspect of my life, just a few very tender areas. If you were to see me in the classroom or doing any type of public speaking, you might think I was very cocky and be put off by presence.

None of us are one-dimensional. The expression, “what you see is what you get” is rarely entirely accurate. What you see is what I want you to see. And you get what I want you to get. We all have different parts of our psyche that manifest at different times. It’s ok. I think it’s pretty normal.

So if you are like me, constantly questioning yourself and if you really are “OK”, hang in there. What keeps me going are those days when I say to myself honestly, “Yeah, I AM OK. And at this moment I genuinely believe it.” Take stock of the moment. Smile a smile to yourself that no one else will understand.

Good Luck

戴格智