My Life As A Bowl Of Fruit

Where in the World is D today?

Today I was a bowl of fruit. Or maybe nice place setting. Or even cooler yet, geometric shapes!

Tomorrow will be the third time this week that I have been a model in the Art Dept. at MU. In these hard economic times I can use a few extra duckets as much as the next guy. It is neither glamorous or exotic. It is sometimes a little boring, but it is always fascinating.

The thing is while I'm sitting there being as still can be, I look at these young artists as intensely as they are looking at me. Here's the thing though. The don't really see ME. I think they see forms, colors, shapes, light, angles and textures. Thus, I might as well be a bowl of fruit.

But what I see from my perspective is passion, fun, insecurity, fear, and kindness. Their non verbals give it all away. There are five males and two females in the room. The women are Asian and mostly keep to themselves. They guys are looser and occasionally chat with one another. I love watching Matt, the instructor, work with them. It is a reminder to me that this is a learning process. Both for them and me. And it makes me want to do my very best for them. If you think it's easy staying in one pose for 3 hours with a break every half hour, I dare you to try it! It ain't as easy as it looks.

Creating Art is a beautiful and sometimes tedious process. Matt told the class today, "You need Darryl." That caught me a little off guard. He continued, "Art is not about the artifact, the picture, but the journey." Very Cool! As a musician, I totally got that.

They need me to learn and discover, to create. But I need them too. To be a part of a teaching/learning process. I am forever a learner myself.

At the end of the class Matt usually says thank you, and sometimes one or two of the guys will. But it's not necessary and I do not expect it. There is virtually zero verbal communication between me and them. (Today was the most with maybe three very brief exchanges.) That's just the way it is, and that's cool. But today one of those nice Asian ladies said in the softest and sweetest voice, "thank you".

Then I knew, just for an instant, she saw ME. I smiled real big and told her it was my pleasure. Because, it genuinely was.

Not Totally Angry, but Seriously Annoyed Black Man

I was once asked, "Why do Black people seem mad all the time?" It was an honest question in the course of an open and candid discussion.

Tonight I offer reason 9,857 why Black people seem mad on occaision.

I went dancing tonight. Turns out it's a costume party. There was a guy there in Black Face. AND I'm expected to have a sense of humor about it.

End of discussion.

Friendship Stew

Friendships can be like a good stew. And with every good stew you need good stock. There's the chopping and mixing, seasoning, boiling, tasting and waiting. Then when you're ready to eat, it taste good, but gets even better with time.

If you read my friend Greta's blog "Life as g" (lifeasg.blogspot.com) you would see our friendship sprinkled in here and there. I like to think I'm a special ingredient in her friendship/blog stew. She would say "real special" with a wink and a nudge. This is my first time mentioning her on mine.

Greta has been staying in Tim's room during the campaign. She is also volunteering for the Obama campaign. She is from KC, but has adopted Columbia as her own. Columbia was hand made for Greta. I've been here 15 yrs. and it's a hoot experiencing it through her eyes!

She's good and kind and has a hearty laugh! Our stew tastes better all the time as our different textures and nuances steep in this friendship pot. It continues to grow and develop in spite of the fact the we each wants to club the other with a rubber mallet at some point during the day.

Enough for now. I just wanted to introduce Greta to you, because my journey over the next several months probably won't be able to be told without a mention here and there.

So if you need to ask Where in the World is D. Just ask Greta, she'll probably know.

I am a Born Again Believer too

In my last post I used the phrase "the so-called Christian Right". I get so frustrated with fundamentalist Christians. I hate using the term "they" but it's the best one I've got at the moment, but "They" seem to think they've got the corner on Christianity. My biggest beef is that if I support Barack Obama, and I do, I can't be a Christian too. Well I am.

There has been so much hatred, venom, and lies to come from the Christian Right that it makes me embarrassed to use the term. Christ was all about Loving others. So take the plank out of your own eye before you look for the speck in an others.

Let me say here for all to read and know. I support Barack Obama because he is honest and true. He sees a need for a course correction in the U.S. Our nation has become poorer in the past 8 years. Poorer in its standing in the world as well as in our pocket books. We've become poorer because too many have believed that if someone is different they are to be feared. To say that we are not a christian nation is saying that America is made up of many different faiths. And in this country you have the freedom to worship as you please. Nothing more, nothing less. Regardless of the principles the country may have been founded on. The over arching principle is Freedom from excessive government interference in our personal lives.

Senator Obama is Not a Muslim, though it shouldn't matter if he were. He does Not believe in abortion. He believes that a woman should make that decision with her doctor, her mate and her own faith beliefs. That is not an endorsement of abortion. This is also my personal belief. I deplore abortion but, it's NOT my place to even suggest to any woman what to do with her body that I'm not married to.

The Christian Right says it doesn't want "Activist Judges" legislating from the Supreme Court. But it wants Judges that will over turn Roe v. Wade. That by definition is legislating from the bench. Roe v. Wade has been the law of the land for 30+ years like it or not. To over turn that precedent IS legislating from the bench. The right wants less government everywhere except for in our bedrooms. That's a bunch of bull. (Sorry for the harsh language.);)

I was even in a Sunday School class were many people said you couldn't be a Christian and a Democrat. I quietly got up and left. No love of Christ there.

So if you are my brother or sister in Christ. Love me as such. Love Mr. Obama as such. You can do that and still not agree with his or my politics. Why? Because Christ himself told us to.

Finding MY Voice with the Election

I've struggled with finding my voice during this election season. The question asked me most is how do I feel about Barack Obama becoming the first Black man/African American to be President? As James Brown, rest his soul, would say, "I Feel Good!"

On a more serious note, I have tended to hedge on my response. Just like Senator Obama, I don't want 'race' to be overly emphasized. I've always tended to hedge on those questions to white people. They're the only ones who ask me. But this is MY blog and what I really think is that it is totally Freakin' Awesome!! And if he doesn't get elected it will only be because of the racism spewing from the so called "Christian" Right. More on that later...

My excitement is not just that he's Black and in this case given his biological make up, actually is African American. Rather it's a combination of him being Black like me AND we are the same age! He is in the case actually like ME. That is a totally New feeling that I struggle getting my emotions and thoughts around. They're too big. I so overcome with emotion the night of Mr. Obama's nomination that I wept on my couch during his acceptance speech.

This might REALLY happen!!

We both come from humble circumstances and one way or another found a way through or over the obstacles in our way to education, jobs, etc. We both have an undeniable connection to white folks that shaped our thinking as well as some good Black folk, some old folks, etc. We've both been willing to learn from anyone who had good ideas and let them mold us, while learning to define ourselves on our own terms.

Where we differ is my father was around. (I love that man.) and the levels and types of our education are wildly different. I got a fabulous education from Baker University majoring in Music Education and also have teaching creditials in English as a Second Language. Mr. Obama's Yale education and Law degree's have been much touted and rightfully so.

What is also very much worth noting is that I didn't get the message that I could be president. Quite honestly I didn't have those types of aspirations. I was 'Little Johnny NASA'. I wanted to be an astronaut. But somewhere along the line I was told "Black people don't do math", so.... as you can guess I sucked at math virtually all my life. As kids, we believe what we're told. Maybe I would have had the salt to be an astronaut, maybe not. But I would have liked to have had the been told Black people are great at math!

But what I do know is the right man did get the right message and that man is Barack Obama. We both surely heard Jesse Jackson as kids say "I AM somebody". I did hear and believe that. Still do. Because it's true.

I don't regret my life. I've done well for myself. We are on the edge of great things in America. Barack Obama is the man to lead us there.

Is God a Repulican or a Democrat?

I've heard this question asked every four years just like clock work. The gears of the clock is the election of a President for the United States of America. Strangely I hadn't heard the question from anyone until I heard the sound of my own voice asking.

Today I opened an email from my very good and dear friend Mike the Republican. He truly is my good and most dear friends. I was even best man at his wedding! Mike and I loved and nurtured each other through some very trying times in each others life. But every once in a while he says or does something that makes me want to shake the hell out of him.

The subject of today's email, a forward, was a one minute prayer. While it didn't say specifically McCain is good and Obama is evil, the author of the was concerned that Christian might not vote "Christian Values". I seriously snapped when I read that part as well as the Bible quote that followed. My response was, "I pray fervently, I vote Christian Values, AND I volunteer full time for the Barack Obama campaign."

The daring part here is that I replied to all. It's was a list of maybe 15 people. I don't usually go picking fights with people, but Mike drew first blood. He knows me well enough to know my politics. It's hard for me to believe there wasn't a hidden agenda in sending it to me. Thus, I fully expect my email to just blow up tomorrow. That's OK. It's something we should discuss. I just hope we can discuss it in a civil and dare I say christian way.

By the way, the question never gets answered. Personally I think God thinks it's a dumb question.

Colin is MY BOY again!

When President Bush first took office almost 8 years ago, suffice it to say I was seriously bummed. The one ray of hope I had was Colin Powell was in his administration.

I, like so many others, admired Mr. Powell for his knowledge, experience, but above all his honesty. While I was disappointed in some of his positions, especially some those on racial and social issues, I dug the fact that was a straight shooter. (And while I disagreed at that time on those issues, appreciated his position because I once held the same positions. So I really understood what he was saying.)

The he made that speech to the U.N. endorsing and justifying why we needed to attack Iraq. I didn't trust the president any farther that I could throw Warren Sapp, but I did trust Colin Powell. He wasn't a war hawk and if he said, it must be true. Well we all know how that story ends. No weapons of mass destruction and me and many others feeling like we had been duped and betrayed by that last good guy.

Today Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for President. And! Simultaneously threw John McCain, Sarah Palin and the Republican party under a very large and swift moving bus! He has switched parties. He says he's still a Republican, but in short, just can't take it anymore. That is just CLASSIC!!

Ya think John McCain was making some angry faces at the debates. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when he got that news!!

A new day is coming! Yeah for us.

Nobody throws me my own gun and says Run, Nobody

I love the movie The Magnificent Seven. The title of this post is a very cool line from that movie. The gist of it is, I have the right to be in a given place as much as anybody, and I will not be run off. Thus he goes back and makes his stand.

This past Friday night my niece Lindsay got married. I think she would agree we have our own special relationship. She even requested a dance just for me at the reception. A memory I will cling to forever. Nick, her new husband, is sweet and gentle and I know will cherish her all her life. The trick here is Lindsay is a niece on my ex-wife's side of the family. Things have been...... shall we say odd, with me and her family for a while. Odd to the point where Lindsay wasn't entirely sure if she could/should invite me. That being said, I miss some of the family deeply. Lindsay and her sister Megan are right at the top of the list. Over the years I have felt a bit like that gunslinger in The Magnificent that has been thrown his own gun and told to run. But Friday things changed for me.

Thank you Darlene for inviting to sit at the clans table. It only lasted a few minutes but I am eternally grateful to you. It was Genuine gesture of your love for me. And to Kristy, my sister in law and mother of the bride, you still rock in my book! The two "outsiders" that held and supported the other in our own unique way in weird family times. You guys are the villagers that made me Want to come back and stand my ground!

So Lindsay and Megan (and Taylor) expect to have your Uncle Darryl back. But be careful what you wish for I may become that "weird" uncle. (Though I already sort of was.) But hopefully I'll be more of the "cool" uncle. But I hope my fate turns out better that of the gunfighter. He gets killed in the big shoot out at the end.

Post Script - I added Taylor in parenthesis on purpose. I've never had the relationship with him that I had with the girls. For various reasons I suppose. But when I saw and spoke to him at the wedding I was so impressed and excited to see the young man he's grown in to. I can see him thinking for himself in a way I hadn't before. It was VERY cool to see. Taylor's is a story I truly want to keep reading to see how it turns out!

I love good grass!

I don't cut the grass. I mow the lawn.

There is something special that wells up inside me when I'm mowing the lawn. I can never really quite put my finger on it. But it's a oneness of sorts. I love being outside. I love making tall grass short. I am nothing short of Botticelli when it comes to using my edger. (I looked at the neighbor totally crazy when he asked to borrow my "weed whacker". Heavens Sake!!)

I get my good lawn habits from my dad. (I love that man! More about him another day.) But basically it is a since of pride. I don't understand people who pay 100+ thousands of dollars for a house and their lawn looks like crap. Even if you only paid 100 dollars for it, it's your little piece of the rock. Neither I or my family got our 40 acres and a mule. So now that I've got my own house and my own grass every body who passes by will know there lives a man who cares: about grass but more importantly about history and how others paved a way for him to have his very own good grass.

My year, my brain and water the seeds (It's kinda long, sorry.)

In the intro to this blog, I said it has been a "trippy year". Trippy is the nicest word I could thing of. In fact it's been a personally tragic year in many ways. Whoa is me, let me count the ways. (That's my own goofy way of saying here's the shit from this year.) I considered different ways to make this easy reading and hope this method works for you.

January - Brain seizures make me pass out. Multiple test to discover why, at no small cost I might add. Diagnosis: Dude we have no idea. We'll have to wait for it to happen again. That'll be X$$. Thanks for nothin' doc. Begin treatment on my eyes to improve my vision, which in fact makes my eyes worse. Ugh!

February - Resigned from my job here in CoMO to move to KC to be with the woman I loved and planned to marry. Eyes blurry, very blurry!

March - Woman of my dreams dumps me. WTF!! Eyes still crazy.

April - June Put my house on the market. Just gotta get out of Columbia! Some students loose their minds and accuse me of improper conduct. I am exonerated of each false claim. But Damn can I get an administrator to say "stop lying on your teacher. Shut up and get out of my office." I know they want an environment of in which kids feel safe, but dang, what about the teachers, don't WE need to feel safe?! Truly, too many times, schools have become a place of the inmates running the asylum. So, I am not disappointed to have resigned on that level.

May - Mother is diagnosed with Colon Cancer. Simultaneously, I am offered a teacher job in Taiwan. Cool! but awkward.

June - Recruited for a job in KC. Again, Cool! Good money and I can stay in the U.S. But the process takes forever and in September the job is given to someone else. Ugh!

August - Mother has surgery to remove tumor. 2 weeks later after biopsy the diagnosis is changed to Malignant Melanoma that has gone to her internal organs. There's no treatment. She's dying. :(

(It's important to mention here, I'm Black and never paid much attention to the sun and skin diseases. Thought melanoma was a "white thing". So if you're reading this, please wear sunscreen. I do now!)

October - No job or prospects that I can see clearly. The best prospects for me to teach English as a Second Language are out of the country... Asia or the Middle East. BUT... My house still hasn't sold and my mother is dying. So........?

Now that I've said all that... I will not blame my situation on the circustances of life. Though I have on occaision been accused of being overly negative. (I simply point out the facts are the facts.) I think of myself as being realistic as opposed to being pesimistic. Ultimately when the dust clears, I'm pragmatic, saying "OK..... now what?" I pick myself up and stumble on.

Lately I find myself somewhere between being afraid to ask what else can go wrong and waiting for the next shoe to drop. I've been stuck here a while and if one more person says "things happen for a reason" I'm going to scream. Maybe it does..... but maybe just maybe things happen to everybody and it's just my turn.

I find myself deeply uncertain of what I'm doing. That's no revelation. But not knowing where I was going... that's a new frustration. In the past when stuff happened, I usually had a sense of direction and just needed to figure out how to get over or around the obstacle. A more appropriate question my be "Where's D headed?" rather than, Where in the World is D?.

But then the other day I had a thought. A revelation of sorts. "Bloom where you're planted." I had heard it a zillion times in my life, but never seemed to apply until now. I would love to bloom right here.

I just wish I knew what seeds were in the ground.

Me and my car

They say, whoever "they" are, that you can measure a man by how he dresses and by what he drives. In my case, how I dress probably applies, but by what I drive... Not even close. Someday I'll post a picture of myself, but for now you see a picture of my car. It's fun, sporty, some say sexy. And given I'm 47 years old it is often suggested, a mid-life crisis. It's definitely fun and sporty! Sexy, gosh I just don't know about such things. If so, were are all the lingerie models?! (I'm just sayin')

What it is, is affirmation. Not of wealth or some worldly success, but actually one of love and understanding. You see, I've wanted a Corvette for the last 20 years or so. I don't know if you've priced a 'Vette lately, but they ain't cheap. When Saturn came out with this sporty little number the Sky, the possibility of seemed feasible to have a fun car, if not an actual corvette. But, lest I forget, I was a single parent of a 16 yr. old son at the time. As I was fretting over if I could make the payments or not, he came and sat beside me and said, "Papa, you've spent all your time and energy raising me and Sean. Just do something nice for yourself this one time."

So you see, In that one instant, I had affirmation that not only was I loved, but my son "got it". He understood and appreciated that parenthood is complicated and we do the best we can and hope our kids don't turn out a crazy as we are. It's a given that he will be some day. We all, no matter how hard we try turn in to our parents on some level. But in this case. I think I can have some hope that he'll be OK. And every time I get in the car, I think of Tim, and smile.