Thanksgiving and misgivings

Where in the World is D Today?

Contemplating the upcoming Holidays?

Don't quote me on this, but I think Thanksgiving is a uniquely American holiday; Though I think it tends to be filled with to many myths about early settlers and Indians. It is nonetheless a time of reflection for us all, or at least it should be.

When asked these days, "How's it going?", my typical response is, "I could get out of the bed today, so it's a good day." Some people don't get the profundity of that comment and others do. In short, I am truly grateful that I could physically get of the bed. There are many who couldn't today and won't be anytime soon. My expectations are pretty low these days. So being able to get out of bed is a big deal.

I DO want to be able to be more excited about the holidays, but early in life, my wiring got short circuited. So now I'm pretty much hard wired to be "low key" about the holidays. These days I lean towards being neutral. Which is a serious upgrade from the melancholy that has tended to be my motifs operand i. This is fine for me, but what about the kids? Really.

I worry how my generally low to flat demeanor has effected Sean and Tim. These are the finest young men around. (Said as a proud Papa!) And will be dads themselves someday. But.... As much as we may try to avoid it, we ultimately become our parents in some form. I want them to be able to feel, REALLY feel, the excitement and possibility this time of the year has to offer. In this, I'm a bad example. I tried hard, and succeeded by and large, to protect them from the violence and vicissitudes of life that I experienced growing up that so formed my thought processes. But I haven't been able to model the HOPE and JOY of the season. They've seen me groan about blatant commercialism of the holidays, etc., and thus they tend to groan about it too. I can see the pattern that has evolved, but what to do???? Will this become a repetitive cycle with them and their kids some day?

I am genuinely Thankful for good health and though I am unemployed, I have some money in the bank. I am SOOOOO blessed!! I know this! Just by simply getting out of the bed. I do believe in a Fake It Til You Make It philosophy in difficult times. But there are some things that one, Me, just can't fake very well.

What I need is for my inner voice to be able to scream, "DUDE! Let Mr. Curmudgeon go out and play!" Hmmm? It's not exactly the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, but it just might work.

Things I Love

Where in the is D Today?

Trying to find hope in counter arguments.

Last week, while having a REALLY BAD day I listed the things I Hate. Today, is neither a bad or great day. It's just another day in my rather ho-hum life. But I just couldn't live the things I hate hanging out there without a counter weight. So here are some things that I love. Especially on the really bad days.

I LOVE: Laughing, Telling BAD Jokes, Ice Cream, Dancing, HUGS!, Kisses, Movies, Westerns, Action movies with lots of EXPLOSIONS, The way my Head Feels right after I shave, The Warmth of the sun on my skin, Driving with the top down, Fresh Flowers, A Clean House, Naps, Snuggling, Watching a loved one sleep next to me, Being in Love, AH-HA! moments, Hanging out with Tim and Sean, Listening to family tell stories, mowing the lawn, washing the car, exercising, being there for others.

The Rules

Where in the World is D Today?

Digging "The Rules" out of his Wallet.

For anyone that knows me, they know I am a rule follower. I don't carry an annotated Harvard Law book with me everywhere I go, but I admit that I can be a fuddy duddy when it comes to rules in general. Society needs rules, lest society run amok. I was the Dudley DoRight and Jimeny Cricket in my neighbor growing up. (OK, I finally admit it!) And in college, and at school, etc, etc. You get the gist. But I've been known to be bad on occasion. Just the other day I crossed the street and the light was red! No signal or nothing, I just crossed without any regard to the over arching impact on society. Next week I may try J walking just to stir things up. Hey, I can be as dangerous as the next guy! Chant it with me. AN - AR - CHY! AN - AR - CHY!

A couple of days ago I was having a bad day. A Really, Really BAD day. Nonetheless, in my post Looking for Matching Baggage, I mentioned rule number 1 on my list of rules to live by. Since I gave you that one, I thought I would share the rest of the list. The list is not too long, and in pretty good shape after some 20 years. Yes, I didn't just make that up, 20 years. It has, of course, been altered over time. Some things have been added, some jettisoned as I've grown as and gained small bits of wisdom here and there. I wish I could say they were all original. Some have been stolen and modified for me. (Robert Fulghum fans might recognize my variation on a few.)

So without further adieu, here are the 10 Darryl Douglas really easy, always pragmatic, non-negotiable rules to live by.

#1 Never do anything for the sake of hurting someone.

#2 Always be a Friend.

#3 Give everyone the benefit of the doubt and say less than you think.

#4 Don't take it personally (I'm horrible at this one. Good advise from a colleague when I taught high school. Give me another 20 yrs. or so to work on it. I'm faking it until then.)

#5 Always Love your neighbor, and Always pick a good neighborhood to live in.

#6 Always have Faith, and Always build your house on high ground.

~The last few fall more into the area of proverbs than rules even though they have numbers. Regardless, they are good enough to keep in mind when traveling down life's highway.~

#7 The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong.... But it's wisest to bet that way.

#8 Thoughts on Winning: It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
#9 Thoughts on Losing: It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.

#10 Thoughts on the Game: Play to Win!

So there you have it. Another glimpse into the psyche of a guy known as D.

On last thought, the latest rule to be added to the list.
#11 When the opportunity presents itself, Always Choose Love.

Things I hate today

Where in the World is D today?

Shaking my head, thoroughly puzzled.

Here's a list of things I've hated today.

Tuna. Clouds. Cold Air. Cold Hearts. (My own included) Static Electricity. Winter. Isolation. Music. Football. The News. Dry Skin. My Reflection. Shaving. Oatmeal. Salad. Fried Food. Cell Phones. The Internet. Taking Chances. Unemployment. The Past. The Present. No Future. Different Perspectives. Relativity. Letting Go. Hurting Others. Indifference. Depression.

I Guess I'm having a bad day.

Looking for Matching Baggage

Where in the World is D today?

Pondering the baggage in our lives.

At the end of my entry Love Lost and Sought, I said I would write more on this subject. This is partially in response to a nasty email from the subject of that post. But the bigger and main part of this post comes from something I've wondered about for so very long. Is it possible for me and all my baggage to find someone who's baggage matches mine?

I am a thinker. I am a processor. You could call me many things, but impetuous would not be one of them. I try to see the big picture and take time to pause and reflect before reacting. Then I try my best to choose my word carefully when I speak. Words are so very powerful. "Stick and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me." is a LIE. Broken bones mend. Words break our hearts, our spirits. Those don't mend as well.

I wonder is it there somebody out there who is a thinker and processor like myself. Someone who's baggage matches mine. Someone who keeps commitments (following through simply because you gave your word.) Someone who will pause and response versus seeing and reacting. Responding and reacting are very different. Someone who can share emotions without becoming overly emotional. Someone who won't forget everything that they know or thought they knew about me as a kind and gentle person who's number one rule (I actually keep a list in my wallet.) is Never do anything with the purpose of hurting another person. I really do try to live that way, but I'm human and do make mistakes. So I wonder....

I'd like to say that it is just the difference between men and women, but it's not that simple. I've had men say some incredibly hurtful things too.

Or maybe I really am.. Selfish, Insensitive, Stupid, Ugly, Oreo, Ignorant, Mean, Dumb, Racist, Going to Hell, Easy Prey, Destined to be alone forever. (These comments can be attributed to friends and lovers alike.)

Maybe they're right. I do know that each comment was INTENDED to hurt.
But....Opinions vary.
To be continued.....

What's Random and What's A Purpose

Where in the World is D today?

Today, I'm cleaning egg off my house.

Sometime between Halloween and the following Saturday afternoon someone egged my house. If I were a betting man I would bet Halloween, and I just didn't notice until I drove into the drive way Saturday evening. Then it happened again about a week later.

I have been told a zillion times since my world turned all wobbly, "Things happen for a reason." Can someone please explain to me the "reason" my house got egged. After talking to a few neighbors I learned of a car getting egged and a tire getting slashed. There was a reason for this?! The implication of things happening for a reason is there's some lesson to be learned. Where's the lesson? Seriously.... I don't get it.

Maybe things DO happen for a reason. I've never used that less than comforting platitude with anyone because, sometimes people are just mean and stupid. Or the universe just seems too big for my brain to manage. It's random. Again, I could be completely wrong because I can't see the reason.

So.... If you feel the need to express that particular sentiment to me in my moments of doubt and frustration, be ready for the follow up question, "OK smart guy, What's the reason?!" And I genuinely expect you to have a good concrete answer.

Lost and Sought love

Where in the World is D today?

Reflecting on his lost loves.

In my header I mentioned one of the reflective topics would be love lost. I've been avoiding it up to now. There were multiple reasons but the biggest was fear. I was afraid to dig up old bones fearing they would haunt me the rest of my natural days. But unearthing old bones is the best way to ultimately and permanently lay them to rest.

The pretty lady in the picture up there is Jenny. (There was a picture, but after being called some very bad names. I took the picture off. Nothing else in this entry has been changed.) Jenny was the woman of my dreams mentioned in my very first blog entry. We have a long and what I can only describe as "odd", but mostly good, history. What makes it odd is of no relevance here. What made it special was that for a short and absolutely fabulous time it my life, I was truly head over heels, walk through fire and do incredibly stupid things in love with Jenny. I've got a "killer deer" (inside joke with Jenny and her girls), A Webkin named Maneater, and pics of us with me and that big goofy smile to prove it. People who knew me well, could see the difference she made in my life.

But, this good thing came to an end. (By the way, I just don't believe the phrase "all good things must come to and end." What a terribly sad way to live.) But in this case this did. At first I truly thought it was the end of the world for me. But with the love and support of family and one very dear friend, Greta, I got over the hump. I went from "If I see her, I'm going to dive under the table" to "If I see her, I see her." I didn't think about it much when I said it. Then a few days later for a reason that escapes me now, I said jokingly to another person, "I am sooooo over her." Then in an instant later, I thought out loud, "Ya know, I really am." Hmmm? When did that happen?!

Greta tells me Jenny has found a new love and plans to marry him. Bully for her. Finding love is a hard thing to do. I know. I've tried and tried. I have absolutely no desire to attend their wedding, though I admit I have not been asked. But, could we be friends again someday.....? Probably, under the right circumstances.

So what about my own quest for love? Well, I know it's out there somewhere? I've been told many many times to be patient. It'll happen when I least suspect it. HAH! Is my retort to that! I'll be patient as a last resort. But why should I? Tell me, who amongst those of us romantics out there doesn't want ALL that a deep loving relationship has to offer, and want's it right now! Tomorrow's not promised to any of us.

I'm sure I'll write more about this quest later. But for now, this will do.

Don't call me Niggah!

Where is the World is D?

Shaking his fist at rap music and soft brained kids!

This has been a very productive week for me in my modeling gig. I have worked 2 three hour sessions everyday with week. It equals about the same amount as substitute teaching, with far few hassles.

In every class there is music playing. It's all over the road. Most of it is mellowish instrumental trippy music, artistic white noise. But in one class it's usually far out trippy heavy metalish. But today in this class, the teacher shifted to 90's hip/hop slash "gangsta rap" music. I really loved the beats in every song, but every other word was niggah this and niggah that.

I don't listen to that style of music. I even forbade the Sean and Tim to listen to it as they were growing up. It's stupid, demeaning and unnecessarily violent. BUT, models are best seen and not heard. So for the last hour of this class in was pummeled with this. All the students were shocked when the teacher put it on. Not at the content mind you, but at how old it was. "Dang I have heard this since 9th grade! This is old school." I thought, "The Sugarhill Gang and The Isley Brothers are old school youngster. These guy are punks that can't make a rhyme without a curse word." But I digress......

So as this young man, A very nice and affable kid by the way, is singing along, I cringed inside my head every time niggah was in the lyrics. But here's what I wanted to say....

"Hey kid, do you have any flippin idea how insulted I am personally that you would use such a word so cavalierly in my presence. And NO there is NOT a difference between Nigger and Niggah! Both words are demeaning and stupid and people who can't see that are even stupider. You can't rationalize that word on any level. No it's not empowering to take control of it as to say it's like calling me "Brotha". It's was a slave word 300 years ago and it's one today!"

Then I would say, "Give me an example of ANY Black man of stature that has gotten there using that word." (Any Black man of stature that didn't sell drugs, pimp, or rob someone first." I personally can't think of any, and I'm a reasonably smart guy.

Dr. King, Ralph Abernathy, Malcolm, W.E.B DuBois, Jesse Jackson (before he got silly), Thurgood Marshall, Barack Obama, Fredrick Douglass, Colin Powell, Langston Hughes, Andrew Young. These are just the ones I rattle off the top of my head at 1 AM. The list goes on and on.

I want to be in this class of Smart, Brilliant, Educated, Urbane, and Successful gentleman. So don't can me niggah. As a matter of fact, don't even use it around me. Ever. Especially if you're Black. You should know better. Now check out this video!

Now What?!

Where in the World is D?

Coming back to reality that he is unemployed.

While I am super excited to have a new President on the way, I still don't know what to do with my life. It was nice to give my brain a break. Now it's time to get back to the task of finding a big boy job.

This is one of those times when I really don't have much to say. I'm in limbo right now. I just have to keep reminding myself how blessed I am. I have decent health and most of my faculties and some money in the bank. So I don't need to panic, but my daddy taught me there's honor in hard, honest work. He never said it in those exact words, but his example spoke volumes. Soooooo.... I need a dang job.

I am getting more modeling work, but it doesn't pay very well. I enjoy very much. But it doesn't pay very well. (Listen up kids, doing a job you love is great in theory and some people get that opportunity. Just don't forget you gotta pay your bills too! And we all got bills, no matter how humbly we live.)

In the meantime, I'll keep you posted on any inspiration or revelations that may come. In the meantime, wish me luck.

Let some Healing begin

Where in the World is D?

Smiling at a note I got from a Christian Sister.

I have already voice my great disappointment at how many Christian have had so much venom for now President-Elect Barack Obama. Today I got a note from my friend Erin called 10 Ways to Pray Barack Obama. This is the proper attitude that the body of Christ should have.

Here's the address to Charisma magazine. Even the comments I read were good. Let the people say, AMEN!
http://fireinmybones.com/index.php?col=110508

Thank You note from Barack Obama

Where in the World is D?

Smiling Real Big!

OK, There MAY be the slightest possibility that this is campaign form letter, BUT I choose to believe that he sent it just to me! :)

Darryl --

I'm about to head to Grant Park to talk to everyone gathered there, but I wanted to write to you first.

We just made history.

And I don't want you to forget how we did it.

You made history every single day during this campaign -- every day you knocked on doors, made a donation, or talked to your family, friends, and neighbors about why you believe it's time for change.

I want to thank all of you who gave your time, talent, and passion to this campaign.

We have a lot of work to do to get our country back on track, and I'll be in touch soon about what comes next.

But I want to be very clear about one thing...

All of this happened because of you.

Thank you,

Barack

A New Day in America!

Where in the World is D Today?!

Sitting in AWE of history.

Welcome to the new world America! I am still struggling to find the words to describe how excited I am about America electing Barack Obama as President of the United States of America.

To say I'm excited, just doesn't do it.

To say it's a great day for America, just doesn't do it.

To say I'm a prouder than ever to be an American, just doesn't do it.

Last night I wept twice. While talking to Tim and at the end of Sen. Obama's acceptance speech. I was so glad that Tim called me. I couldn't hear him in the middle of the party. Then I couldn't hear him outside either. But I could remember watching Barack Obama's convention speech in 2004. The first time either of us, and most of the country had ever heard of him. Tim said then he thought Mr. Obama would be President some day. I love his speech but didn't think America was ready. Then when Sen. Obama announced his candidacy 18 months ago. Tim was excited but, I still didn't think America would actually elect a Black Man President in my lifetime.

Then the Iowa Caucaus's happen and I thought, "Hmmm, that's weird." The more time went on the more I believed which lead to me giving my time, my energy, my feet, my best effort to get Sen. Obama elected. I just saw on the news that Missouri ultimately went to Sen. McCain. BUT, the campaign won Boone County. It's bitter sweet, but that is the turf I walked, knocked and persuaded voters long and hard for! I hurt my left foot a week ago, but kept going. My foot hurts, but my heart is so lifted. The pain just didn't matter during his acceptance speech.

Yes, today IS the start of a new day in America. America is a very young nation compared to rest of the world, but last night we moved from adolescence to the beginning of adulthood as a nation. We still have many hard days ahead. And just because Barack Obama got elected, doesn't mean all the ills in America have gone away. I got called a nigger last a half a block away from the campaign office! It hurt just as much as ever.

But I believe more than ever that so much is possible when in this nation, a nation with a long history of racial ills can elect a Black Man with name Barack Obama. God Bless America!!

Always tripping over my own two feet.

Where in the World is D today?

Under a huge metaphoric rock.

I love to dance. But sometimes I can't get out of my own way. Either my brain moves too fast, or not fast enough. Then my feet and body just don't know which way to go. The last few days have been like that for me.

A psychologist might say that we create the world or environment that we most care to be in. (I'm not a psychologist, but I'm not ashamed to say I've gotten counseling.) We desire the familiar, whether it's good for us or not. I've always thought that I was the exception to that rule. If you knew more of my history on the surface one might tend to agree. But this year has blown all the things I thought I knew about myself and the world to shreds. Even outside of this year I seem to keep finding myself in this a familiar spot.

Alone

The truly perplexing thing for me is I desire anything but being alone. So Why am I?

(One quick proviso:This is not just about male/female relationships in my life. It's about all relationships in my life.)

If I take the psychologist view. It's because there is something in me that chooses people who will ultimately leave. OR their is something in me that will inevitably push them away out of fear of getting hurt because I've been hurt before.

When I think about it, I think what's most true is I seem to get attached to people going through some transition in life. When they've made it through and are stronger they move on not fully realizing how much I need them now. And that's because I do this strange dance of trying to lift them and hide my own fears and self-doubts. And in that some strange combination of those two psychological factors kicks.

But hey, What do I know? I'm the one sitting here alone.