Posts
Where in the World is D Today?
Swingin' with Nancy Wilson!
This Christmas is going to be different. I've had a tough time finding the Christmas Spirit. BUT, no matter my mood or station in life, Christmas has to be recognized. Hope you like Nancy's version of this special Christmas song. Peace and Goodwill to All men.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I Think Therefore I Am.. Really!?
Where in the World is D Today?
Try to STOP thinking.
I think, therefore I am. What the heck is that supposed to mean? I think Descartes got it all wrong. (Warning: What is about to follow is going to go in a circle. Usually I am VERY concrete sequential but my brain is all over the road these days. I am aware of it but I couldn't get these thoughts in a straight line.)
I am first and foremost, a THINKER. As a parent and as a teacher I have thought to myself too many times to count, "What were you thinking?!" Usually followed by a, "I don't know". Followed by the grown up, "You WEREN'T! You didn't think!" So.... If they weren't thinking, did they stop existing. NO! Even when I secretly wished it. (Of students, not of my kids..... well maybe once or twice.)
As an educated and "thinking" person, I get what Descartes was saying. But at this point in my life.... Well, I just think it's dumb. I also read some Asian philosophy years ago. Forgive me if you know of this and I misquote it. It went something like this: "There is nothing you must Be. There is nothing you must Do. But it's important to know that fire burns and when it rains the earth gets wet. Well, DUH! But really, I don't get it. I'm trying, but I know there's more there than meets the eye.
Over the past week, plus a few days, in dealing with my mothers death and trying to get my brain and heart in the same place. (by the way, I don't think it can be done. (Emotions and rational think are strange bedfellows. They ARE mutually exclusive.) No less than 3 people, all older and wiser whom opinions I deeply respect, have said in their own way the following. "Darryl, you are WAY too serious. Lighten up and have fun in life. Enjoy TODAY." I completely and whole heartedly agree. But in order to do that, I have to ... (say it with me) Stop thinking so much! Because it seems to me, that those whose ARE having the most fun in life are the same ones who I would say, "What were you thinking?!", to. As they smile that impish smile and shrug their shoulders.
I haven't seen the movie Yes Man, well gosh, because it hasn't come out yet. But from the previews, I think I need to be more of a yes man. So how does one, me in this case, go from being a Dudley Do-Right, Jimeney Cricket type, to WooHOO! Living la vida loca. There's got to be a middle ground right?!
In trying to have "fun" in life, something I've never been consistently good at, I think I've learned something I'm gonna have to do. Forgive easily. Myself and others. That doesn't mean I or anyone else get a free pass. Here's the deal, as long as there have been people on the earth, I believe Adam and Eve were the first two, they have been screwing up. Adam and Eve had a pretty sweet deal. Take care of a garden that really took care of itself. There were only two people so it's not like there was a lot of trash. The earth was perfect so things kinda took care of itself. They got to hang out with God. OK, let me say that again. They got to hangout with God. So it's doesn't really get any cooler than that. So in life was about as good as you could get. They was only one rule. Don't eat from that tree over there. But NO, they just couldn't do that one very simple thing and don't get me started on their knucklehead kids. Did God forgive them, Of course. Were there consequences, you bet. Big Ones. Did Adam and Eve go on to have fruitful and productive lives. Absolutely.
The thing about forgiveness of is we have to learn how to forgive ourselves too. That's probably tougher than getting the forgiveness of others. At least it is for me. I forgive others far more easily than myself.
Back to this fun thing and thinking, or not thinking in this case. If I set out on this quest and I likely to fail, a lot, at first. I shudder to think, oops, I'm not supposed to do that. Old habits die hard. Sorry I digress.
Forgiving failure of myself and others is a must. So if you know me and I screw up, know I'm a bit out of my element right now. There's no malicious intent. Cut me and those other goofballs in our lives a little slack when you want to say, "What the Heck where you thinking?!"
"I wasn't" Descartes was wrong. Because I'm still here and it appears I'm all wet as well.
Try to STOP thinking.
I think, therefore I am. What the heck is that supposed to mean? I think Descartes got it all wrong. (Warning: What is about to follow is going to go in a circle. Usually I am VERY concrete sequential but my brain is all over the road these days. I am aware of it but I couldn't get these thoughts in a straight line.)
I am first and foremost, a THINKER. As a parent and as a teacher I have thought to myself too many times to count, "What were you thinking?!" Usually followed by a, "I don't know". Followed by the grown up, "You WEREN'T! You didn't think!" So.... If they weren't thinking, did they stop existing. NO! Even when I secretly wished it. (Of students, not of my kids..... well maybe once or twice.)
As an educated and "thinking" person, I get what Descartes was saying. But at this point in my life.... Well, I just think it's dumb. I also read some Asian philosophy years ago. Forgive me if you know of this and I misquote it. It went something like this: "There is nothing you must Be. There is nothing you must Do. But it's important to know that fire burns and when it rains the earth gets wet. Well, DUH! But really, I don't get it. I'm trying, but I know there's more there than meets the eye.
Over the past week, plus a few days, in dealing with my mothers death and trying to get my brain and heart in the same place. (by the way, I don't think it can be done. (Emotions and rational think are strange bedfellows. They ARE mutually exclusive.) No less than 3 people, all older and wiser whom opinions I deeply respect, have said in their own way the following. "Darryl, you are WAY too serious. Lighten up and have fun in life. Enjoy TODAY." I completely and whole heartedly agree. But in order to do that, I have to ... (say it with me) Stop thinking so much! Because it seems to me, that those whose ARE having the most fun in life are the same ones who I would say, "What were you thinking?!", to. As they smile that impish smile and shrug their shoulders.
I haven't seen the movie Yes Man, well gosh, because it hasn't come out yet. But from the previews, I think I need to be more of a yes man. So how does one, me in this case, go from being a Dudley Do-Right, Jimeney Cricket type, to WooHOO! Living la vida loca. There's got to be a middle ground right?!
In trying to have "fun" in life, something I've never been consistently good at, I think I've learned something I'm gonna have to do. Forgive easily. Myself and others. That doesn't mean I or anyone else get a free pass. Here's the deal, as long as there have been people on the earth, I believe Adam and Eve were the first two, they have been screwing up. Adam and Eve had a pretty sweet deal. Take care of a garden that really took care of itself. There were only two people so it's not like there was a lot of trash. The earth was perfect so things kinda took care of itself. They got to hang out with God. OK, let me say that again. They got to hangout with God. So it's doesn't really get any cooler than that. So in life was about as good as you could get. They was only one rule. Don't eat from that tree over there. But NO, they just couldn't do that one very simple thing and don't get me started on their knucklehead kids. Did God forgive them, Of course. Were there consequences, you bet. Big Ones. Did Adam and Eve go on to have fruitful and productive lives. Absolutely.
The thing about forgiveness of is we have to learn how to forgive ourselves too. That's probably tougher than getting the forgiveness of others. At least it is for me. I forgive others far more easily than myself.
Back to this fun thing and thinking, or not thinking in this case. If I set out on this quest and I likely to fail, a lot, at first. I shudder to think, oops, I'm not supposed to do that. Old habits die hard. Sorry I digress.
Forgiving failure of myself and others is a must. So if you know me and I screw up, know I'm a bit out of my element right now. There's no malicious intent. Cut me and those other goofballs in our lives a little slack when you want to say, "What the Heck where you thinking?!"
"I wasn't" Descartes was wrong. Because I'm still here and it appears I'm all wet as well.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Funky Mood
Where in the world is D today?
Preparing for this mother's funeral.
Tomorrow we are going to lay my mother's body to rest.
For the last week or so, I haven't known what to do with my emotions. I tend to be pretty stoic about death and such things. But over the weekend, and into today, heading into tomorrow - my mind and heart have been the proverbial rollercoaster ride. I don't know what Rachmaninov had in mind when he wrote his Prelude in C# Minor, but it encompasses the chaos and strangeness in my mind and heart over the last several days.
Music is the best way for me to express my thoughts these days.
Preparing for this mother's funeral.
Tomorrow we are going to lay my mother's body to rest.
For the last week or so, I haven't known what to do with my emotions. I tend to be pretty stoic about death and such things. But over the weekend, and into today, heading into tomorrow - my mind and heart have been the proverbial rollercoaster ride. I don't know what Rachmaninov had in mind when he wrote his Prelude in C# Minor, but it encompasses the chaos and strangeness in my mind and heart over the last several days.
Music is the best way for me to express my thoughts these days.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Good Night Ma :(
Where in the World is D today?
Mourning my mothers death.
My mother was the matriarch of the family. She lived a long and full life. The Cosby's we ain't, but none of us kids are in jail, all graduated from high school, I graduated from college, all are reasonably productive members of society. We're just everyday folk, living everyday lives. Some ups, some downs.
My mother died yesterday. Here are a few observations of the experience. I wrote a few weeks ago about a lady who died alone. My mother did not. She was at home surrounded by her children and some grandchildren. She went quietly but fought to the very end. So I can't say it was easy. It would be very uncharacteristic of my mother to give in easily. So that makes me smile a little.
I have not had a hard cry yet. I've been processing this outcome for a long time and to this point intellect has overridden emotion. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
She died around 4 PM. The mortuary picked up her body between 7:30 and 8PM. This means my mothers lifeless body was there in a house full of people for approximately 4 hours. And not once during that time did it seem strange. Family meandered in and out past her body easily, yet respectfully. Each stopping to say goodbye; to touch her, to kiss her, to tell her one last story, or to pass through to the kitchen to get a drink or food. It took on a different meaning when they came for her and my sister said, "If you want to see her before the take her, this is your last chance." I went in one last time, as did everyone else. I don't know what everyone else thought, but my thoughts were, "This is the last time I will see my mother in a natural state." A person after being embalmed looks anything but natural.
I sighed a sigh of relief when I was by myself. I was glad she was finally released from that broken body.
I have absolutely no doubt that my mother is singing and dancing with Angels tonight. She believed, as do I, that Christ is our Lord and Savior. There are few things that I am absolutely, unequivocally, 100% sure of... except for this.
I've seen people kiss a deceased person before, but I never had. I thought it was... odd. I kissed my mom yesterday. I "get it" now.
Good Night Ma.
Mourning my mothers death.
My mother was the matriarch of the family. She lived a long and full life. The Cosby's we ain't, but none of us kids are in jail, all graduated from high school, I graduated from college, all are reasonably productive members of society. We're just everyday folk, living everyday lives. Some ups, some downs.
My mother died yesterday. Here are a few observations of the experience. I wrote a few weeks ago about a lady who died alone. My mother did not. She was at home surrounded by her children and some grandchildren. She went quietly but fought to the very end. So I can't say it was easy. It would be very uncharacteristic of my mother to give in easily. So that makes me smile a little.
I have not had a hard cry yet. I've been processing this outcome for a long time and to this point intellect has overridden emotion. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
She died around 4 PM. The mortuary picked up her body between 7:30 and 8PM. This means my mothers lifeless body was there in a house full of people for approximately 4 hours. And not once during that time did it seem strange. Family meandered in and out past her body easily, yet respectfully. Each stopping to say goodbye; to touch her, to kiss her, to tell her one last story, or to pass through to the kitchen to get a drink or food. It took on a different meaning when they came for her and my sister said, "If you want to see her before the take her, this is your last chance." I went in one last time, as did everyone else. I don't know what everyone else thought, but my thoughts were, "This is the last time I will see my mother in a natural state." A person after being embalmed looks anything but natural.
I sighed a sigh of relief when I was by myself. I was glad she was finally released from that broken body.
I have absolutely no doubt that my mother is singing and dancing with Angels tonight. She believed, as do I, that Christ is our Lord and Savior. There are few things that I am absolutely, unequivocally, 100% sure of... except for this.
I've seen people kiss a deceased person before, but I never had. I thought it was... odd. I kissed my mom yesterday. I "get it" now.
Good Night Ma.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
A Near Catastrophe... In My Book
Where in the World is D Today?
Thanking his lucky stars for the lack of a robe!
I've decided that "normal" has a sliding scale. Or am I the only one who has looked at someone doing something that seems OK to them and responded, "DUDE?!"? If you've never had a similar response, skip today's blog entry. If you have, feel free to proceed.
In many ways I am like every other man out there. I have multiple remotes, thinks "pull my finger" jokes are funny, love the Miller Lite Man Law commercials, and still secretly wishes he still had his Farah Fawcett poster from the 70's. (I actually never had THAT poster. But I know men who did and do have that secret wish.) In other ways, I'm WAY different from every other man out there. I'm OK with the Designated Hitter, I like romantic comedies, find cooking and cleaning therapeutic, and believes chivalry is proper, not old fashioned.
Today, there was a snafu with the modeling assignments. No problem. To err is human... Two models were assigned to the same class at the same time. I arrived first for what I thought was a clothed assignment. I enter the room.
"Do you have a robe?"
"I'm sorry, I was told this was a clothed assignment."
"Did you Bring...A... Robe? There were to models assigned. There was only supposed to be one. I don't know if there's going to be two. Blah, blah, blah" (My head is spinning now. Why is she angry with me?
"Yes, I have a locker down the hall?"
"Good. Go get it. We'll work with both of you if the other model shows."
I'm walking down the hall thinking. Cool, I can use the extra money that comes with modeling sans clothing. I get my stuff, come back in the room. The second model has arrived. It's a WOMAN!(I look at her. She looks at me. I wish I could say I said "Oh crap." I didn't, but it was something very similar. But, thank heavens, she got the same message as I did and did not have a robe. Catastrophe Averted!! I make sure she is comfortable with me being nude and her not. She's OK. We are professionals and class goes on without a hitch. Except at the end when we both thought the teacher said the last pose would be of us together. Slight panic from us both. There were two platforms and the teacher wanted the students to put both of us in the picture. We were never closer than 5 feet together the whole time and never faced each other.
I was SOOOOOOOOO thankful that she did not have a robe. This is were I probably differ from most other men. I can hear it now, "DUDE?!" Yes indeed we were both professional, I would have been so amazingly embarrassed if she were nude. Let me explain.
The times that I have modeled nude have been the most NON-SEXUAL experiences of my life without clothes. Truly. Art models are glorified bowls of fruits. Without clothes, I'm fruit with musculature. It's so non-sexual that when I first did it I almost wanted to say, "Just for the record. It's really cold in this room." A mans body acts very differently than a womans when he's cold. Anyway... We wear robes during breaks, if for no other reason than nekkid fruit walking around the room is just weird!
Men are also HYPER-VISUAL creatures, even in a cold room. We know it, and I think most women know it too. Many a man has been elbowed or slapped in the back of his head because of his eyes. My eyes could have only lead me into trouble today.
I need money for the holiday's as much as anyone. A robe for her would have forced me to leave a job on the table. Because, I'm nothing if not a gentleman.
Thanking his lucky stars for the lack of a robe!
I've decided that "normal" has a sliding scale. Or am I the only one who has looked at someone doing something that seems OK to them and responded, "DUDE?!"? If you've never had a similar response, skip today's blog entry. If you have, feel free to proceed.
In many ways I am like every other man out there. I have multiple remotes, thinks "pull my finger" jokes are funny, love the Miller Lite Man Law commercials, and still secretly wishes he still had his Farah Fawcett poster from the 70's. (I actually never had THAT poster. But I know men who did and do have that secret wish.) In other ways, I'm WAY different from every other man out there. I'm OK with the Designated Hitter, I like romantic comedies, find cooking and cleaning therapeutic, and believes chivalry is proper, not old fashioned.
Today, there was a snafu with the modeling assignments. No problem. To err is human... Two models were assigned to the same class at the same time. I arrived first for what I thought was a clothed assignment. I enter the room.
"Do you have a robe?"
"I'm sorry, I was told this was a clothed assignment."
"Did you Bring...A... Robe? There were to models assigned. There was only supposed to be one. I don't know if there's going to be two. Blah, blah, blah" (My head is spinning now. Why is she angry with me?
"Yes, I have a locker down the hall?"
"Good. Go get it. We'll work with both of you if the other model shows."
I'm walking down the hall thinking. Cool, I can use the extra money that comes with modeling sans clothing. I get my stuff, come back in the room. The second model has arrived. It's a WOMAN!(I look at her. She looks at me. I wish I could say I said "Oh crap." I didn't, but it was something very similar. But, thank heavens, she got the same message as I did and did not have a robe. Catastrophe Averted!! I make sure she is comfortable with me being nude and her not. She's OK. We are professionals and class goes on without a hitch. Except at the end when we both thought the teacher said the last pose would be of us together. Slight panic from us both. There were two platforms and the teacher wanted the students to put both of us in the picture. We were never closer than 5 feet together the whole time and never faced each other.
I was SOOOOOOOOO thankful that she did not have a robe. This is were I probably differ from most other men. I can hear it now, "DUDE?!" Yes indeed we were both professional, I would have been so amazingly embarrassed if she were nude. Let me explain.
The times that I have modeled nude have been the most NON-SEXUAL experiences of my life without clothes. Truly. Art models are glorified bowls of fruits. Without clothes, I'm fruit with musculature. It's so non-sexual that when I first did it I almost wanted to say, "Just for the record. It's really cold in this room." A mans body acts very differently than a womans when he's cold. Anyway... We wear robes during breaks, if for no other reason than nekkid fruit walking around the room is just weird!
Men are also HYPER-VISUAL creatures, even in a cold room. We know it, and I think most women know it too. Many a man has been elbowed or slapped in the back of his head because of his eyes. My eyes could have only lead me into trouble today.
I need money for the holiday's as much as anyone. A robe for her would have forced me to leave a job on the table. Because, I'm nothing if not a gentleman.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Invisibility
Where in the World is D today?
Same place as usual, but can you see me?
I really like the radio program This American Life. This show is right up my alley for looking at normal everyday types of stuff in a different way. If you're not familiar with it, you ought to trying listening some time. Every week they take a theme and have 3-5 stories/essays on that theme. A few weeks ago the theme was Home Alone. The first story of home alone is what has been bumping around in my head for the past couple of weeks.
Mary Ann was an older lady who lived and ultimately died, alone, in L.A. It turns out that the L.A. Police dept. has a unit of people to look into and find relatives. There was nothing.... no one. Eventually they found a nephew. Mary Ann's cremated remains were eventually buried in a grave with a bunch of other, over 300, unclaimed people over 10 years.
This, along with my mother dying from cancer, got me thinking about my solitary life. We live in a world built for couples. Unlike Mary Ann though, I do have family that would claim me. It would be a short search to find them. But that's not the issue. The real issue is how long would it take for somebody to realize I was dead?
My neighbors know me. I'm the guy that gives gifts of bread and cookies every fall to the houses around me. I like to cook and I couldn't possibly eat it all. They know my snazzy little car. They appreciate when I walk over to say the party is a bit too loud instead of calling the police. Sometimes I even hangout and have a beer with them. I'm pretty sure I'm well liked and respected. BUT..... It is not uncommon for me to go several days, even a week with no meaningful, face to face, contact with other humans.
Yes, Of course, I leave the house. People see my body wondering about, but as an unemployed person, no body expects me to be anywhere, so I wouldn't be missed. I am in fact, invisible in our society.
I was born with a factory second body and have made my peace with death long ago. I don't fear it, but I don't think I want to die alone either, especially if I KNOW it's the end. Even as a Believer in Christ and life in Heaven where I know I will be better off. To die alone is a sad thing to have happen to anyone.
None of us knows when it's our time to go. So I've tried to quietly get my house in order, just in case.
If I do go alone and my organs spoil, I'm going to be really ticked! It may sound strange, but because of the aforementioned birth defect, I can't give blood, but I am proud to say I am an Organ Donor . I've been taking pretty good care of my body so somebody can have a good heart, or lungs, kidneys or liver. (I don't have a gall bladder or spleen anymore.) I want the doctors to take it all! Every time I see a blood drive advertisement I get a little sad, but take comfort in all the other cool stuff I get to share. Hopefully later than sooner for the record.
I will continue my quest for partnership, love, whatever may come .... But in the meantime, if you see me looking peeked, SEE ME. Make sure somebody gets my stuff!
(As an aside, if you're reading this and you're not an organ donor, please think about donating your organs. They might come in handy after you don't need them them anymore.)
Same place as usual, but can you see me?
I really like the radio program This American Life. This show is right up my alley for looking at normal everyday types of stuff in a different way. If you're not familiar with it, you ought to trying listening some time. Every week they take a theme and have 3-5 stories/essays on that theme. A few weeks ago the theme was Home Alone. The first story of home alone is what has been bumping around in my head for the past couple of weeks.
Mary Ann was an older lady who lived and ultimately died, alone, in L.A. It turns out that the L.A. Police dept. has a unit of people to look into and find relatives. There was nothing.... no one. Eventually they found a nephew. Mary Ann's cremated remains were eventually buried in a grave with a bunch of other, over 300, unclaimed people over 10 years.
This, along with my mother dying from cancer, got me thinking about my solitary life. We live in a world built for couples. Unlike Mary Ann though, I do have family that would claim me. It would be a short search to find them. But that's not the issue. The real issue is how long would it take for somebody to realize I was dead?
My neighbors know me. I'm the guy that gives gifts of bread and cookies every fall to the houses around me. I like to cook and I couldn't possibly eat it all. They know my snazzy little car. They appreciate when I walk over to say the party is a bit too loud instead of calling the police. Sometimes I even hangout and have a beer with them. I'm pretty sure I'm well liked and respected. BUT..... It is not uncommon for me to go several days, even a week with no meaningful, face to face, contact with other humans.
Yes, Of course, I leave the house. People see my body wondering about, but as an unemployed person, no body expects me to be anywhere, so I wouldn't be missed. I am in fact, invisible in our society.
I was born with a factory second body and have made my peace with death long ago. I don't fear it, but I don't think I want to die alone either, especially if I KNOW it's the end. Even as a Believer in Christ and life in Heaven where I know I will be better off. To die alone is a sad thing to have happen to anyone.
None of us knows when it's our time to go. So I've tried to quietly get my house in order, just in case.
If I do go alone and my organs spoil, I'm going to be really ticked! It may sound strange, but because of the aforementioned birth defect, I can't give blood, but I am proud to say I am an Organ Donor . I've been taking pretty good care of my body so somebody can have a good heart, or lungs, kidneys or liver. (I don't have a gall bladder or spleen anymore.) I want the doctors to take it all! Every time I see a blood drive advertisement I get a little sad, but take comfort in all the other cool stuff I get to share. Hopefully later than sooner for the record.
I will continue my quest for partnership, love, whatever may come .... But in the meantime, if you see me looking peeked, SEE ME. Make sure somebody gets my stuff!
(As an aside, if you're reading this and you're not an organ donor, please think about donating your organs. They might come in handy after you don't need them them anymore.)
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Thanksgiving and misgivings
Where in the World is D Today?
Contemplating the upcoming Holidays?
Don't quote me on this, but I think Thanksgiving is a uniquely American holiday; Though I think it tends to be filled with to many myths about early settlers and Indians. It is nonetheless a time of reflection for us all, or at least it should be.
When asked these days, "How's it going?", my typical response is, "I could get out of the bed today, so it's a good day." Some people don't get the profundity of that comment and others do. In short, I am truly grateful that I could physically get of the bed. There are many who couldn't today and won't be anytime soon. My expectations are pretty low these days. So being able to get out of bed is a big deal.
I DO want to be able to be more excited about the holidays, but early in life, my wiring got short circuited. So now I'm pretty much hard wired to be "low key" about the holidays. These days I lean towards being neutral. Which is a serious upgrade from the melancholy that has tended to be my motifs operand i. This is fine for me, but what about the kids? Really.
I worry how my generally low to flat demeanor has effected Sean and Tim. These are the finest young men around. (Said as a proud Papa!) And will be dads themselves someday. But.... As much as we may try to avoid it, we ultimately become our parents in some form. I want them to be able to feel, REALLY feel, the excitement and possibility this time of the year has to offer. In this, I'm a bad example. I tried hard, and succeeded by and large, to protect them from the violence and vicissitudes of life that I experienced growing up that so formed my thought processes. But I haven't been able to model the HOPE and JOY of the season. They've seen me groan about blatant commercialism of the holidays, etc., and thus they tend to groan about it too. I can see the pattern that has evolved, but what to do???? Will this become a repetitive cycle with them and their kids some day?
I am genuinely Thankful for good health and though I am unemployed, I have some money in the bank. I am SOOOOO blessed!! I know this! Just by simply getting out of the bed. I do believe in a Fake It Til You Make It philosophy in difficult times. But there are some things that one, Me, just can't fake very well.
What I need is for my inner voice to be able to scream, "DUDE! Let Mr. Curmudgeon go out and play!" Hmmm? It's not exactly the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, but it just might work.
Contemplating the upcoming Holidays?
Don't quote me on this, but I think Thanksgiving is a uniquely American holiday; Though I think it tends to be filled with to many myths about early settlers and Indians. It is nonetheless a time of reflection for us all, or at least it should be.
When asked these days, "How's it going?", my typical response is, "I could get out of the bed today, so it's a good day." Some people don't get the profundity of that comment and others do. In short, I am truly grateful that I could physically get of the bed. There are many who couldn't today and won't be anytime soon. My expectations are pretty low these days. So being able to get out of bed is a big deal.
I DO want to be able to be more excited about the holidays, but early in life, my wiring got short circuited. So now I'm pretty much hard wired to be "low key" about the holidays. These days I lean towards being neutral. Which is a serious upgrade from the melancholy that has tended to be my motifs operand i. This is fine for me, but what about the kids? Really.
I worry how my generally low to flat demeanor has effected Sean and Tim. These are the finest young men around. (Said as a proud Papa!) And will be dads themselves someday. But.... As much as we may try to avoid it, we ultimately become our parents in some form. I want them to be able to feel, REALLY feel, the excitement and possibility this time of the year has to offer. In this, I'm a bad example. I tried hard, and succeeded by and large, to protect them from the violence and vicissitudes of life that I experienced growing up that so formed my thought processes. But I haven't been able to model the HOPE and JOY of the season. They've seen me groan about blatant commercialism of the holidays, etc., and thus they tend to groan about it too. I can see the pattern that has evolved, but what to do???? Will this become a repetitive cycle with them and their kids some day?
I am genuinely Thankful for good health and though I am unemployed, I have some money in the bank. I am SOOOOO blessed!! I know this! Just by simply getting out of the bed. I do believe in a Fake It Til You Make It philosophy in difficult times. But there are some things that one, Me, just can't fake very well.
What I need is for my inner voice to be able to scream, "DUDE! Let Mr. Curmudgeon go out and play!" Hmmm? It's not exactly the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, but it just might work.
Things I Love
Where in the is D Today?
Trying to find hope in counter arguments.
Last week, while having a REALLY BAD day I listed the things I Hate. Today, is neither a bad or great day. It's just another day in my rather ho-hum life. But I just couldn't live the things I hate hanging out there without a counter weight. So here are some things that I love. Especially on the really bad days.
I LOVE: Laughing, Telling BAD Jokes, Ice Cream, Dancing, HUGS!, Kisses, Movies, Westerns, Action movies with lots of EXPLOSIONS, The way my Head Feels right after I shave, The Warmth of the sun on my skin, Driving with the top down, Fresh Flowers, A Clean House, Naps, Snuggling, Watching a loved one sleep next to me, Being in Love, AH-HA! moments, Hanging out with Tim and Sean, Listening to family tell stories, mowing the lawn, washing the car, exercising, being there for others.
Trying to find hope in counter arguments.
Last week, while having a REALLY BAD day I listed the things I Hate. Today, is neither a bad or great day. It's just another day in my rather ho-hum life. But I just couldn't live the things I hate hanging out there without a counter weight. So here are some things that I love. Especially on the really bad days.
I LOVE: Laughing, Telling BAD Jokes, Ice Cream, Dancing, HUGS!, Kisses, Movies, Westerns, Action movies with lots of EXPLOSIONS, The way my Head Feels right after I shave, The Warmth of the sun on my skin, Driving with the top down, Fresh Flowers, A Clean House, Naps, Snuggling, Watching a loved one sleep next to me, Being in Love, AH-HA! moments, Hanging out with Tim and Sean, Listening to family tell stories, mowing the lawn, washing the car, exercising, being there for others.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The Rules
Where in the World is D Today?
Digging "The Rules" out of his Wallet.
For anyone that knows me, they know I am a rule follower. I don't carry an annotated Harvard Law book with me everywhere I go, but I admit that I can be a fuddy duddy when it comes to rules in general. Society needs rules, lest society run amok. I was the Dudley DoRight and Jimeny Cricket in my neighbor growing up. (OK, I finally admit it!) And in college, and at school, etc, etc. You get the gist. But I've been known to be bad on occasion. Just the other day I crossed the street and the light was red! No signal or nothing, I just crossed without any regard to the over arching impact on society. Next week I may try J walking just to stir things up. Hey, I can be as dangerous as the next guy! Chant it with me. AN - AR - CHY! AN - AR - CHY!
A couple of days ago I was having a bad day. A Really, Really BAD day. Nonetheless, in my post Looking for Matching Baggage, I mentioned rule number 1 on my list of rules to live by. Since I gave you that one, I thought I would share the rest of the list. The list is not too long, and in pretty good shape after some 20 years. Yes, I didn't just make that up, 20 years. It has, of course, been altered over time. Some things have been added, some jettisoned as I've grown as and gained small bits of wisdom here and there. I wish I could say they were all original. Some have been stolen and modified for me. (Robert Fulghum fans might recognize my variation on a few.)
So without further adieu, here are the 10 Darryl Douglas really easy, always pragmatic, non-negotiable rules to live by.
#1 Never do anything for the sake of hurting someone.
#2 Always be a Friend.
#3 Give everyone the benefit of the doubt and say less than you think.
#4 Don't take it personally (I'm horrible at this one. Good advise from a colleague when I taught high school. Give me another 20 yrs. or so to work on it. I'm faking it until then.)
#5 Always Love your neighbor, and Always pick a good neighborhood to live in.
#6 Always have Faith, and Always build your house on high ground.
~The last few fall more into the area of proverbs than rules even though they have numbers. Regardless, they are good enough to keep in mind when traveling down life's highway.~
#7 The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong.... But it's wisest to bet that way.
#8 Thoughts on Winning: It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
#9 Thoughts on Losing: It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
#10 Thoughts on the Game: Play to Win!
So there you have it. Another glimpse into the psyche of a guy known as D.
On last thought, the latest rule to be added to the list.
#11 When the opportunity presents itself, Always Choose Love.
Digging "The Rules" out of his Wallet.
For anyone that knows me, they know I am a rule follower. I don't carry an annotated Harvard Law book with me everywhere I go, but I admit that I can be a fuddy duddy when it comes to rules in general. Society needs rules, lest society run amok. I was the Dudley DoRight and Jimeny Cricket in my neighbor growing up. (OK, I finally admit it!) And in college, and at school, etc, etc. You get the gist. But I've been known to be bad on occasion. Just the other day I crossed the street and the light was red! No signal or nothing, I just crossed without any regard to the over arching impact on society. Next week I may try J walking just to stir things up. Hey, I can be as dangerous as the next guy! Chant it with me. AN - AR - CHY! AN - AR - CHY!
A couple of days ago I was having a bad day. A Really, Really BAD day. Nonetheless, in my post Looking for Matching Baggage, I mentioned rule number 1 on my list of rules to live by. Since I gave you that one, I thought I would share the rest of the list. The list is not too long, and in pretty good shape after some 20 years. Yes, I didn't just make that up, 20 years. It has, of course, been altered over time. Some things have been added, some jettisoned as I've grown as and gained small bits of wisdom here and there. I wish I could say they were all original. Some have been stolen and modified for me. (Robert Fulghum fans might recognize my variation on a few.)
So without further adieu, here are the 10 Darryl Douglas really easy, always pragmatic, non-negotiable rules to live by.
#1 Never do anything for the sake of hurting someone.
#2 Always be a Friend.
#3 Give everyone the benefit of the doubt and say less than you think.
#4 Don't take it personally (I'm horrible at this one. Good advise from a colleague when I taught high school. Give me another 20 yrs. or so to work on it. I'm faking it until then.)
#5 Always Love your neighbor, and Always pick a good neighborhood to live in.
#6 Always have Faith, and Always build your house on high ground.
~The last few fall more into the area of proverbs than rules even though they have numbers. Regardless, they are good enough to keep in mind when traveling down life's highway.~
#7 The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong.... But it's wisest to bet that way.
#8 Thoughts on Winning: It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
#9 Thoughts on Losing: It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
#10 Thoughts on the Game: Play to Win!
So there you have it. Another glimpse into the psyche of a guy known as D.
On last thought, the latest rule to be added to the list.
#11 When the opportunity presents itself, Always Choose Love.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Things I hate today
Where in the World is D today?
Shaking my head, thoroughly puzzled.
Here's a list of things I've hated today.
Tuna. Clouds. Cold Air. Cold Hearts. (My own included) Static Electricity. Winter. Isolation. Music. Football. The News. Dry Skin. My Reflection. Shaving. Oatmeal. Salad. Fried Food. Cell Phones. The Internet. Taking Chances. Unemployment. The Past. The Present. No Future. Different Perspectives. Relativity. Letting Go. Hurting Others. Indifference. Depression.
I Guess I'm having a bad day.
Shaking my head, thoroughly puzzled.
Here's a list of things I've hated today.
Tuna. Clouds. Cold Air. Cold Hearts. (My own included) Static Electricity. Winter. Isolation. Music. Football. The News. Dry Skin. My Reflection. Shaving. Oatmeal. Salad. Fried Food. Cell Phones. The Internet. Taking Chances. Unemployment. The Past. The Present. No Future. Different Perspectives. Relativity. Letting Go. Hurting Others. Indifference. Depression.
I Guess I'm having a bad day.
Looking for Matching Baggage
Where in the World is D today?
Pondering the baggage in our lives.
At the end of my entry Love Lost and Sought, I said I would write more on this subject. This is partially in response to a nasty email from the subject of that post. But the bigger and main part of this post comes from something I've wondered about for so very long. Is it possible for me and all my baggage to find someone who's baggage matches mine?
I am a thinker. I am a processor. You could call me many things, but impetuous would not be one of them. I try to see the big picture and take time to pause and reflect before reacting. Then I try my best to choose my word carefully when I speak. Words are so very powerful. "Stick and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me." is a LIE. Broken bones mend. Words break our hearts, our spirits. Those don't mend as well.
I wonder is it there somebody out there who is a thinker and processor like myself. Someone who's baggage matches mine. Someone who keeps commitments (following through simply because you gave your word.) Someone who will pause and response versus seeing and reacting. Responding and reacting are very different. Someone who can share emotions without becoming overly emotional. Someone who won't forget everything that they know or thought they knew about me as a kind and gentle person who's number one rule (I actually keep a list in my wallet.) is Never do anything with the purpose of hurting another person. I really do try to live that way, but I'm human and do make mistakes. So I wonder....
I'd like to say that it is just the difference between men and women, but it's not that simple. I've had men say some incredibly hurtful things too.
Or maybe I really am.. Selfish, Insensitive, Stupid, Ugly, Oreo, Ignorant, Mean, Dumb, Racist, Going to Hell, Easy Prey, Destined to be alone forever. (These comments can be attributed to friends and lovers alike.)
Maybe they're right. I do know that each comment was INTENDED to hurt.
But....Opinions vary.
To be continued.....
Pondering the baggage in our lives.
At the end of my entry Love Lost and Sought, I said I would write more on this subject. This is partially in response to a nasty email from the subject of that post. But the bigger and main part of this post comes from something I've wondered about for so very long. Is it possible for me and all my baggage to find someone who's baggage matches mine?
I am a thinker. I am a processor. You could call me many things, but impetuous would not be one of them. I try to see the big picture and take time to pause and reflect before reacting. Then I try my best to choose my word carefully when I speak. Words are so very powerful. "Stick and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me." is a LIE. Broken bones mend. Words break our hearts, our spirits. Those don't mend as well.
I wonder is it there somebody out there who is a thinker and processor like myself. Someone who's baggage matches mine. Someone who keeps commitments (following through simply because you gave your word.) Someone who will pause and response versus seeing and reacting. Responding and reacting are very different. Someone who can share emotions without becoming overly emotional. Someone who won't forget everything that they know or thought they knew about me as a kind and gentle person who's number one rule (I actually keep a list in my wallet.) is Never do anything with the purpose of hurting another person. I really do try to live that way, but I'm human and do make mistakes. So I wonder....
I'd like to say that it is just the difference between men and women, but it's not that simple. I've had men say some incredibly hurtful things too.
Or maybe I really am.. Selfish, Insensitive, Stupid, Ugly, Oreo, Ignorant, Mean, Dumb, Racist, Going to Hell, Easy Prey, Destined to be alone forever. (These comments can be attributed to friends and lovers alike.)
Maybe they're right. I do know that each comment was INTENDED to hurt.
But....Opinions vary.
To be continued.....
Monday, November 17, 2008
What's Random and What's A Purpose
Where in the World is D today?
Today, I'm cleaning egg off my house.
Sometime between Halloween and the following Saturday afternoon someone egged my house. If I were a betting man I would bet Halloween, and I just didn't notice until I drove into the drive way Saturday evening. Then it happened again about a week later.
I have been told a zillion times since my world turned all wobbly, "Things happen for a reason." Can someone please explain to me the "reason" my house got egged. After talking to a few neighbors I learned of a car getting egged and a tire getting slashed. There was a reason for this?! The implication of things happening for a reason is there's some lesson to be learned. Where's the lesson? Seriously.... I don't get it.
Maybe things DO happen for a reason. I've never used that less than comforting platitude with anyone because, sometimes people are just mean and stupid. Or the universe just seems too big for my brain to manage. It's random. Again, I could be completely wrong because I can't see the reason.
So.... If you feel the need to express that particular sentiment to me in my moments of doubt and frustration, be ready for the follow up question, "OK smart guy, What's the reason?!" And I genuinely expect you to have a good concrete answer.
Today, I'm cleaning egg off my house.
Sometime between Halloween and the following Saturday afternoon someone egged my house. If I were a betting man I would bet Halloween, and I just didn't notice until I drove into the drive way Saturday evening. Then it happened again about a week later.
I have been told a zillion times since my world turned all wobbly, "Things happen for a reason." Can someone please explain to me the "reason" my house got egged. After talking to a few neighbors I learned of a car getting egged and a tire getting slashed. There was a reason for this?! The implication of things happening for a reason is there's some lesson to be learned. Where's the lesson? Seriously.... I don't get it.
Maybe things DO happen for a reason. I've never used that less than comforting platitude with anyone because, sometimes people are just mean and stupid. Or the universe just seems too big for my brain to manage. It's random. Again, I could be completely wrong because I can't see the reason.
So.... If you feel the need to express that particular sentiment to me in my moments of doubt and frustration, be ready for the follow up question, "OK smart guy, What's the reason?!" And I genuinely expect you to have a good concrete answer.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Lost and Sought love
Where in the World is D today?
Reflecting on his lost loves.
In my header I mentioned one of the reflective topics would be love lost. I've been avoiding it up to now. There were multiple reasons but the biggest was fear. I was afraid to dig up old bones fearing they would haunt me the rest of my natural days. But unearthing old bones is the best way to ultimately and permanently lay them to rest.
The pretty lady in the picture up there is Jenny. (There was a picture, but after being called some very bad names. I took the picture off. Nothing else in this entry has been changed.) Jenny was the woman of my dreams mentioned in my very first blog entry. We have a long and what I can only describe as "odd", but mostly good, history. What makes it odd is of no relevance here. What made it special was that for a short and absolutely fabulous time it my life, I was truly head over heels, walk through fire and do incredibly stupid things in love with Jenny. I've got a "killer deer" (inside joke with Jenny and her girls), A Webkin named Maneater, and pics of us with me and that big goofy smile to prove it. People who knew me well, could see the difference she made in my life.
But, this good thing came to an end. (By the way, I just don't believe the phrase "all good things must come to and end." What a terribly sad way to live.) But in this case this did. At first I truly thought it was the end of the world for me. But with the love and support of family and one very dear friend, Greta, I got over the hump. I went from "If I see her, I'm going to dive under the table" to "If I see her, I see her." I didn't think about it much when I said it. Then a few days later for a reason that escapes me now, I said jokingly to another person, "I am sooooo over her." Then in an instant later, I thought out loud, "Ya know, I really am." Hmmm? When did that happen?!
Greta tells me Jenny has found a new love and plans to marry him. Bully for her. Finding love is a hard thing to do. I know. I've tried and tried. I have absolutely no desire to attend their wedding, though I admit I have not been asked. But, could we be friends again someday.....? Probably, under the right circumstances.
So what about my own quest for love? Well, I know it's out there somewhere? I've been told many many times to be patient. It'll happen when I least suspect it. HAH! Is my retort to that! I'll be patient as a last resort. But why should I? Tell me, who amongst those of us romantics out there doesn't want ALL that a deep loving relationship has to offer, and want's it right now! Tomorrow's not promised to any of us.
I'm sure I'll write more about this quest later. But for now, this will do.
Reflecting on his lost loves.
In my header I mentioned one of the reflective topics would be love lost. I've been avoiding it up to now. There were multiple reasons but the biggest was fear. I was afraid to dig up old bones fearing they would haunt me the rest of my natural days. But unearthing old bones is the best way to ultimately and permanently lay them to rest.
The pretty lady in the picture up there is Jenny. (There was a picture, but after being called some very bad names. I took the picture off. Nothing else in this entry has been changed.) Jenny was the woman of my dreams mentioned in my very first blog entry. We have a long and what I can only describe as "odd", but mostly good, history. What makes it odd is of no relevance here. What made it special was that for a short and absolutely fabulous time it my life, I was truly head over heels, walk through fire and do incredibly stupid things in love with Jenny. I've got a "killer deer" (inside joke with Jenny and her girls), A Webkin named Maneater, and pics of us with me and that big goofy smile to prove it. People who knew me well, could see the difference she made in my life.
But, this good thing came to an end. (By the way, I just don't believe the phrase "all good things must come to and end." What a terribly sad way to live.) But in this case this did. At first I truly thought it was the end of the world for me. But with the love and support of family and one very dear friend, Greta, I got over the hump. I went from "If I see her, I'm going to dive under the table" to "If I see her, I see her." I didn't think about it much when I said it. Then a few days later for a reason that escapes me now, I said jokingly to another person, "I am sooooo over her." Then in an instant later, I thought out loud, "Ya know, I really am." Hmmm? When did that happen?!
Greta tells me Jenny has found a new love and plans to marry him. Bully for her. Finding love is a hard thing to do. I know. I've tried and tried. I have absolutely no desire to attend their wedding, though I admit I have not been asked. But, could we be friends again someday.....? Probably, under the right circumstances.
So what about my own quest for love? Well, I know it's out there somewhere? I've been told many many times to be patient. It'll happen when I least suspect it. HAH! Is my retort to that! I'll be patient as a last resort. But why should I? Tell me, who amongst those of us romantics out there doesn't want ALL that a deep loving relationship has to offer, and want's it right now! Tomorrow's not promised to any of us.
I'm sure I'll write more about this quest later. But for now, this will do.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Don't call me Niggah!
Where is the World is D?
Shaking his fist at rap music and soft brained kids!
This has been a very productive week for me in my modeling gig. I have worked 2 three hour sessions everyday with week. It equals about the same amount as substitute teaching, with far few hassles.
In every class there is music playing. It's all over the road. Most of it is mellowish instrumental trippy music, artistic white noise. But in one class it's usually far out trippy heavy metalish. But today in this class, the teacher shifted to 90's hip/hop slash "gangsta rap" music. I really loved the beats in every song, but every other word was niggah this and niggah that.
I don't listen to that style of music. I even forbade the Sean and Tim to listen to it as they were growing up. It's stupid, demeaning and unnecessarily violent. BUT, models are best seen and not heard. So for the last hour of this class in was pummeled with this. All the students were shocked when the teacher put it on. Not at the content mind you, but at how old it was. "Dang I have heard this since 9th grade! This is old school." I thought, "The Sugarhill Gang and The Isley Brothers are old school youngster. These guy are punks that can't make a rhyme without a curse word." But I digress......
So as this young man, A very nice and affable kid by the way, is singing along, I cringed inside my head every time niggah was in the lyrics. But here's what I wanted to say....
"Hey kid, do you have any flippin idea how insulted I am personally that you would use such a word so cavalierly in my presence. And NO there is NOT a difference between Nigger and Niggah! Both words are demeaning and stupid and people who can't see that are even stupider. You can't rationalize that word on any level. No it's not empowering to take control of it as to say it's like calling me "Brotha". It's was a slave word 300 years ago and it's one today!"
Then I would say, "Give me an example of ANY Black man of stature that has gotten there using that word." (Any Black man of stature that didn't sell drugs, pimp, or rob someone first." I personally can't think of any, and I'm a reasonably smart guy.
Dr. King, Ralph Abernathy, Malcolm, W.E.B DuBois, Jesse Jackson (before he got silly), Thurgood Marshall, Barack Obama, Fredrick Douglass, Colin Powell, Langston Hughes, Andrew Young. These are just the ones I rattle off the top of my head at 1 AM. The list goes on and on.
I want to be in this class of Smart, Brilliant, Educated, Urbane, and Successful gentleman. So don't can me niggah. As a matter of fact, don't even use it around me. Ever. Especially if you're Black. You should know better. Now check out this video!
Shaking his fist at rap music and soft brained kids!
This has been a very productive week for me in my modeling gig. I have worked 2 three hour sessions everyday with week. It equals about the same amount as substitute teaching, with far few hassles.
In every class there is music playing. It's all over the road. Most of it is mellowish instrumental trippy music, artistic white noise. But in one class it's usually far out trippy heavy metalish. But today in this class, the teacher shifted to 90's hip/hop slash "gangsta rap" music. I really loved the beats in every song, but every other word was niggah this and niggah that.
I don't listen to that style of music. I even forbade the Sean and Tim to listen to it as they were growing up. It's stupid, demeaning and unnecessarily violent. BUT, models are best seen and not heard. So for the last hour of this class in was pummeled with this. All the students were shocked when the teacher put it on. Not at the content mind you, but at how old it was. "Dang I have heard this since 9th grade! This is old school." I thought, "The Sugarhill Gang and The Isley Brothers are old school youngster. These guy are punks that can't make a rhyme without a curse word." But I digress......
So as this young man, A very nice and affable kid by the way, is singing along, I cringed inside my head every time niggah was in the lyrics. But here's what I wanted to say....
"Hey kid, do you have any flippin idea how insulted I am personally that you would use such a word so cavalierly in my presence. And NO there is NOT a difference between Nigger and Niggah! Both words are demeaning and stupid and people who can't see that are even stupider. You can't rationalize that word on any level. No it's not empowering to take control of it as to say it's like calling me "Brotha". It's was a slave word 300 years ago and it's one today!"
Then I would say, "Give me an example of ANY Black man of stature that has gotten there using that word." (Any Black man of stature that didn't sell drugs, pimp, or rob someone first." I personally can't think of any, and I'm a reasonably smart guy.
Dr. King, Ralph Abernathy, Malcolm, W.E.B DuBois, Jesse Jackson (before he got silly), Thurgood Marshall, Barack Obama, Fredrick Douglass, Colin Powell, Langston Hughes, Andrew Young. These are just the ones I rattle off the top of my head at 1 AM. The list goes on and on.
I want to be in this class of Smart, Brilliant, Educated, Urbane, and Successful gentleman. So don't can me niggah. As a matter of fact, don't even use it around me. Ever. Especially if you're Black. You should know better. Now check out this video!
Friday, November 7, 2008
Now What?!
Where in the World is D?
Coming back to reality that he is unemployed.
While I am super excited to have a new President on the way, I still don't know what to do with my life. It was nice to give my brain a break. Now it's time to get back to the task of finding a big boy job.
This is one of those times when I really don't have much to say. I'm in limbo right now. I just have to keep reminding myself how blessed I am. I have decent health and most of my faculties and some money in the bank. So I don't need to panic, but my daddy taught me there's honor in hard, honest work. He never said it in those exact words, but his example spoke volumes. Soooooo.... I need a dang job.
I am getting more modeling work, but it doesn't pay very well. I enjoy very much. But it doesn't pay very well. (Listen up kids, doing a job you love is great in theory and some people get that opportunity. Just don't forget you gotta pay your bills too! And we all got bills, no matter how humbly we live.)
In the meantime, I'll keep you posted on any inspiration or revelations that may come. In the meantime, wish me luck.
Coming back to reality that he is unemployed.
While I am super excited to have a new President on the way, I still don't know what to do with my life. It was nice to give my brain a break. Now it's time to get back to the task of finding a big boy job.
This is one of those times when I really don't have much to say. I'm in limbo right now. I just have to keep reminding myself how blessed I am. I have decent health and most of my faculties and some money in the bank. So I don't need to panic, but my daddy taught me there's honor in hard, honest work. He never said it in those exact words, but his example spoke volumes. Soooooo.... I need a dang job.
I am getting more modeling work, but it doesn't pay very well. I enjoy very much. But it doesn't pay very well. (Listen up kids, doing a job you love is great in theory and some people get that opportunity. Just don't forget you gotta pay your bills too! And we all got bills, no matter how humbly we live.)
In the meantime, I'll keep you posted on any inspiration or revelations that may come. In the meantime, wish me luck.
Let some Healing begin
Where in the World is D?
Smiling at a note I got from a Christian Sister.
I have already voice my great disappointment at how many Christian have had so much venom for now President-Elect Barack Obama. Today I got a note from my friend Erin called 10 Ways to Pray Barack Obama. This is the proper attitude that the body of Christ should have.
Here's the address to Charisma magazine. Even the comments I read were good. Let the people say, AMEN!
http://fireinmybones.com/index.php?col=110508
Smiling at a note I got from a Christian Sister.
I have already voice my great disappointment at how many Christian have had so much venom for now President-Elect Barack Obama. Today I got a note from my friend Erin called 10 Ways to Pray Barack Obama. This is the proper attitude that the body of Christ should have.
Here's the address to Charisma magazine. Even the comments I read were good. Let the people say, AMEN!
http://fireinmybones.com/index.php?col=110508
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Thank You note from Barack Obama
Where in the World is D?
Smiling Real Big!
OK, There MAY be the slightest possibility that this is campaign form letter, BUT I choose to believe that he sent it just to me! :)
Darryl --
I'm about to head to Grant Park to talk to everyone gathered there, but I wanted to write to you first.
We just made history.
And I don't want you to forget how we did it.
You made history every single day during this campaign -- every day you knocked on doors, made a donation, or talked to your family, friends, and neighbors about why you believe it's time for change.
I want to thank all of you who gave your time, talent, and passion to this campaign.
We have a lot of work to do to get our country back on track, and I'll be in touch soon about what comes next.
But I want to be very clear about one thing...
All of this happened because of you.
Thank you,
Barack
Smiling Real Big!
OK, There MAY be the slightest possibility that this is campaign form letter, BUT I choose to believe that he sent it just to me! :)
Darryl --
I'm about to head to Grant Park to talk to everyone gathered there, but I wanted to write to you first.
We just made history.
And I don't want you to forget how we did it.
You made history every single day during this campaign -- every day you knocked on doors, made a donation, or talked to your family, friends, and neighbors about why you believe it's time for change.
I want to thank all of you who gave your time, talent, and passion to this campaign.
We have a lot of work to do to get our country back on track, and I'll be in touch soon about what comes next.
But I want to be very clear about one thing...
All of this happened because of you.
Thank you,
Barack
A New Day in America!
Where in the World is D Today?!
Sitting in AWE of history.
Welcome to the new world America! I am still struggling to find the words to describe how excited I am about America electing Barack Obama as President of the United States of America.
To say I'm excited, just doesn't do it.
To say it's a great day for America, just doesn't do it.
To say I'm a prouder than ever to be an American, just doesn't do it.
Last night I wept twice. While talking to Tim and at the end of Sen. Obama's acceptance speech. I was so glad that Tim called me. I couldn't hear him in the middle of the party. Then I couldn't hear him outside either. But I could remember watching Barack Obama's convention speech in 2004. The first time either of us, and most of the country had ever heard of him. Tim said then he thought Mr. Obama would be President some day. I love his speech but didn't think America was ready. Then when Sen. Obama announced his candidacy 18 months ago. Tim was excited but, I still didn't think America would actually elect a Black Man President in my lifetime.
Then the Iowa Caucaus's happen and I thought, "Hmmm, that's weird." The more time went on the more I believed which lead to me giving my time, my energy, my feet, my best effort to get Sen. Obama elected. I just saw on the news that Missouri ultimately went to Sen. McCain. BUT, the campaign won Boone County. It's bitter sweet, but that is the turf I walked, knocked and persuaded voters long and hard for! I hurt my left foot a week ago, but kept going. My foot hurts, but my heart is so lifted. The pain just didn't matter during his acceptance speech.
Yes, today IS the start of a new day in America. America is a very young nation compared to rest of the world, but last night we moved from adolescence to the beginning of adulthood as a nation. We still have many hard days ahead. And just because Barack Obama got elected, doesn't mean all the ills in America have gone away. I got called a nigger last a half a block away from the campaign office! It hurt just as much as ever.
But I believe more than ever that so much is possible when in this nation, a nation with a long history of racial ills can elect a Black Man with name Barack Obama. God Bless America!!
Sitting in AWE of history.
Welcome to the new world America! I am still struggling to find the words to describe how excited I am about America electing Barack Obama as President of the United States of America.
To say I'm excited, just doesn't do it.
To say it's a great day for America, just doesn't do it.
To say I'm a prouder than ever to be an American, just doesn't do it.
Last night I wept twice. While talking to Tim and at the end of Sen. Obama's acceptance speech. I was so glad that Tim called me. I couldn't hear him in the middle of the party. Then I couldn't hear him outside either. But I could remember watching Barack Obama's convention speech in 2004. The first time either of us, and most of the country had ever heard of him. Tim said then he thought Mr. Obama would be President some day. I love his speech but didn't think America was ready. Then when Sen. Obama announced his candidacy 18 months ago. Tim was excited but, I still didn't think America would actually elect a Black Man President in my lifetime.
Then the Iowa Caucaus's happen and I thought, "Hmmm, that's weird." The more time went on the more I believed which lead to me giving my time, my energy, my feet, my best effort to get Sen. Obama elected. I just saw on the news that Missouri ultimately went to Sen. McCain. BUT, the campaign won Boone County. It's bitter sweet, but that is the turf I walked, knocked and persuaded voters long and hard for! I hurt my left foot a week ago, but kept going. My foot hurts, but my heart is so lifted. The pain just didn't matter during his acceptance speech.
Yes, today IS the start of a new day in America. America is a very young nation compared to rest of the world, but last night we moved from adolescence to the beginning of adulthood as a nation. We still have many hard days ahead. And just because Barack Obama got elected, doesn't mean all the ills in America have gone away. I got called a nigger last a half a block away from the campaign office! It hurt just as much as ever.
But I believe more than ever that so much is possible when in this nation, a nation with a long history of racial ills can elect a Black Man with name Barack Obama. God Bless America!!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Always tripping over my own two feet.
Where in the World is D today?
Under a huge metaphoric rock.
I love to dance. But sometimes I can't get out of my own way. Either my brain moves too fast, or not fast enough. Then my feet and body just don't know which way to go. The last few days have been like that for me.
A psychologist might say that we create the world or environment that we most care to be in. (I'm not a psychologist, but I'm not ashamed to say I've gotten counseling.) We desire the familiar, whether it's good for us or not. I've always thought that I was the exception to that rule. If you knew more of my history on the surface one might tend to agree. But this year has blown all the things I thought I knew about myself and the world to shreds. Even outside of this year I seem to keep finding myself in this a familiar spot.
Alone
The truly perplexing thing for me is I desire anything but being alone. So Why am I?
(One quick proviso:This is not just about male/female relationships in my life. It's about all relationships in my life.)
If I take the psychologist view. It's because there is something in me that chooses people who will ultimately leave. OR their is something in me that will inevitably push them away out of fear of getting hurt because I've been hurt before.
When I think about it, I think what's most true is I seem to get attached to people going through some transition in life. When they've made it through and are stronger they move on not fully realizing how much I need them now. And that's because I do this strange dance of trying to lift them and hide my own fears and self-doubts. And in that some strange combination of those two psychological factors kicks.
But hey, What do I know? I'm the one sitting here alone.
Under a huge metaphoric rock.
I love to dance. But sometimes I can't get out of my own way. Either my brain moves too fast, or not fast enough. Then my feet and body just don't know which way to go. The last few days have been like that for me.
A psychologist might say that we create the world or environment that we most care to be in. (I'm not a psychologist, but I'm not ashamed to say I've gotten counseling.) We desire the familiar, whether it's good for us or not. I've always thought that I was the exception to that rule. If you knew more of my history on the surface one might tend to agree. But this year has blown all the things I thought I knew about myself and the world to shreds. Even outside of this year I seem to keep finding myself in this a familiar spot.
Alone
The truly perplexing thing for me is I desire anything but being alone. So Why am I?
(One quick proviso:This is not just about male/female relationships in my life. It's about all relationships in my life.)
If I take the psychologist view. It's because there is something in me that chooses people who will ultimately leave. OR their is something in me that will inevitably push them away out of fear of getting hurt because I've been hurt before.
When I think about it, I think what's most true is I seem to get attached to people going through some transition in life. When they've made it through and are stronger they move on not fully realizing how much I need them now. And that's because I do this strange dance of trying to lift them and hide my own fears and self-doubts. And in that some strange combination of those two psychological factors kicks.
But hey, What do I know? I'm the one sitting here alone.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
My Life As A Bowl Of Fruit
Where in the World is D today?
Today I was a bowl of fruit. Or maybe nice place setting. Or even cooler yet, geometric shapes!
Tomorrow will be the third time this week that I have been a model in the Art Dept. at MU. In these hard economic times I can use a few extra duckets as much as the next guy. It is neither glamorous or exotic. It is sometimes a little boring, but it is always fascinating.
The thing is while I'm sitting there being as still can be, I look at these young artists as intensely as they are looking at me. Here's the thing though. The don't really see ME. I think they see forms, colors, shapes, light, angles and textures. Thus, I might as well be a bowl of fruit.
But what I see from my perspective is passion, fun, insecurity, fear, and kindness. Their non verbals give it all away. There are five males and two females in the room. The women are Asian and mostly keep to themselves. They guys are looser and occasionally chat with one another. I love watching Matt, the instructor, work with them. It is a reminder to me that this is a learning process. Both for them and me. And it makes me want to do my very best for them. If you think it's easy staying in one pose for 3 hours with a break every half hour, I dare you to try it! It ain't as easy as it looks.
Creating Art is a beautiful and sometimes tedious process. Matt told the class today, "You need Darryl." That caught me a little off guard. He continued, "Art is not about the artifact, the picture, but the journey." Very Cool! As a musician, I totally got that.
They need me to learn and discover, to create. But I need them too. To be a part of a teaching/learning process. I am forever a learner myself.
At the end of the class Matt usually says thank you, and sometimes one or two of the guys will. But it's not necessary and I do not expect it. There is virtually zero verbal communication between me and them. (Today was the most with maybe three very brief exchanges.) That's just the way it is, and that's cool. But today one of those nice Asian ladies said in the softest and sweetest voice, "thank you".
Then I knew, just for an instant, she saw ME. I smiled real big and told her it was my pleasure. Because, it genuinely was.
Today I was a bowl of fruit. Or maybe nice place setting. Or even cooler yet, geometric shapes!
Tomorrow will be the third time this week that I have been a model in the Art Dept. at MU. In these hard economic times I can use a few extra duckets as much as the next guy. It is neither glamorous or exotic. It is sometimes a little boring, but it is always fascinating.
The thing is while I'm sitting there being as still can be, I look at these young artists as intensely as they are looking at me. Here's the thing though. The don't really see ME. I think they see forms, colors, shapes, light, angles and textures. Thus, I might as well be a bowl of fruit.
But what I see from my perspective is passion, fun, insecurity, fear, and kindness. Their non verbals give it all away. There are five males and two females in the room. The women are Asian and mostly keep to themselves. They guys are looser and occasionally chat with one another. I love watching Matt, the instructor, work with them. It is a reminder to me that this is a learning process. Both for them and me. And it makes me want to do my very best for them. If you think it's easy staying in one pose for 3 hours with a break every half hour, I dare you to try it! It ain't as easy as it looks.
Creating Art is a beautiful and sometimes tedious process. Matt told the class today, "You need Darryl." That caught me a little off guard. He continued, "Art is not about the artifact, the picture, but the journey." Very Cool! As a musician, I totally got that.
They need me to learn and discover, to create. But I need them too. To be a part of a teaching/learning process. I am forever a learner myself.
At the end of the class Matt usually says thank you, and sometimes one or two of the guys will. But it's not necessary and I do not expect it. There is virtually zero verbal communication between me and them. (Today was the most with maybe three very brief exchanges.) That's just the way it is, and that's cool. But today one of those nice Asian ladies said in the softest and sweetest voice, "thank you".
Then I knew, just for an instant, she saw ME. I smiled real big and told her it was my pleasure. Because, it genuinely was.
Not Totally Angry, but Seriously Annoyed Black Man
I was once asked, "Why do Black people seem mad all the time?" It was an honest question in the course of an open and candid discussion.
Tonight I offer reason 9,857 why Black people seem mad on occaision.
I went dancing tonight. Turns out it's a costume party. There was a guy there in Black Face. AND I'm expected to have a sense of humor about it.
End of discussion.
Tonight I offer reason 9,857 why Black people seem mad on occaision.
I went dancing tonight. Turns out it's a costume party. There was a guy there in Black Face. AND I'm expected to have a sense of humor about it.
End of discussion.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Friendship Stew
Friendships can be like a good stew. And with every good stew you need good stock. There's the chopping and mixing, seasoning, boiling, tasting and waiting. Then when you're ready to eat, it taste good, but gets even better with time.
If you read my friend Greta's blog "Life as g" (lifeasg.blogspot.com) you would see our friendship sprinkled in here and there. I like to think I'm a special ingredient in her friendship/blog stew. She would say "real special" with a wink and a nudge. This is my first time mentioning her on mine.
Greta has been staying in Tim's room during the campaign. She is also volunteering for the Obama campaign. She is from KC, but has adopted Columbia as her own. Columbia was hand made for Greta. I've been here 15 yrs. and it's a hoot experiencing it through her eyes!
She's good and kind and has a hearty laugh! Our stew tastes better all the time as our different textures and nuances steep in this friendship pot. It continues to grow and develop in spite of the fact the we each wants to club the other with a rubber mallet at some point during the day.
Enough for now. I just wanted to introduce Greta to you, because my journey over the next several months probably won't be able to be told without a mention here and there.
So if you need to ask Where in the World is D. Just ask Greta, she'll probably know.
If you read my friend Greta's blog "Life as g" (lifeasg.blogspot.com) you would see our friendship sprinkled in here and there. I like to think I'm a special ingredient in her friendship/blog stew. She would say "real special" with a wink and a nudge. This is my first time mentioning her on mine.
Greta has been staying in Tim's room during the campaign. She is also volunteering for the Obama campaign. She is from KC, but has adopted Columbia as her own. Columbia was hand made for Greta. I've been here 15 yrs. and it's a hoot experiencing it through her eyes!
She's good and kind and has a hearty laugh! Our stew tastes better all the time as our different textures and nuances steep in this friendship pot. It continues to grow and develop in spite of the fact the we each wants to club the other with a rubber mallet at some point during the day.
Enough for now. I just wanted to introduce Greta to you, because my journey over the next several months probably won't be able to be told without a mention here and there.
So if you need to ask Where in the World is D. Just ask Greta, she'll probably know.
I am a Born Again Believer too
In my last post I used the phrase "the so-called Christian Right". I get so frustrated with fundamentalist Christians. I hate using the term "they" but it's the best one I've got at the moment, but "They" seem to think they've got the corner on Christianity. My biggest beef is that if I support Barack Obama, and I do, I can't be a Christian too. Well I am.
There has been so much hatred, venom, and lies to come from the Christian Right that it makes me embarrassed to use the term. Christ was all about Loving others. So take the plank out of your own eye before you look for the speck in an others.
Let me say here for all to read and know. I support Barack Obama because he is honest and true. He sees a need for a course correction in the U.S. Our nation has become poorer in the past 8 years. Poorer in its standing in the world as well as in our pocket books. We've become poorer because too many have believed that if someone is different they are to be feared. To say that we are not a christian nation is saying that America is made up of many different faiths. And in this country you have the freedom to worship as you please. Nothing more, nothing less. Regardless of the principles the country may have been founded on. The over arching principle is Freedom from excessive government interference in our personal lives.
Senator Obama is Not a Muslim, though it shouldn't matter if he were. He does Not believe in abortion. He believes that a woman should make that decision with her doctor, her mate and her own faith beliefs. That is not an endorsement of abortion. This is also my personal belief. I deplore abortion but, it's NOT my place to even suggest to any woman what to do with her body that I'm not married to.
The Christian Right says it doesn't want "Activist Judges" legislating from the Supreme Court. But it wants Judges that will over turn Roe v. Wade. That by definition is legislating from the bench. Roe v. Wade has been the law of the land for 30+ years like it or not. To over turn that precedent IS legislating from the bench. The right wants less government everywhere except for in our bedrooms. That's a bunch of bull. (Sorry for the harsh language.);)
I was even in a Sunday School class were many people said you couldn't be a Christian and a Democrat. I quietly got up and left. No love of Christ there.
So if you are my brother or sister in Christ. Love me as such. Love Mr. Obama as such. You can do that and still not agree with his or my politics. Why? Because Christ himself told us to.
There has been so much hatred, venom, and lies to come from the Christian Right that it makes me embarrassed to use the term. Christ was all about Loving others. So take the plank out of your own eye before you look for the speck in an others.
Let me say here for all to read and know. I support Barack Obama because he is honest and true. He sees a need for a course correction in the U.S. Our nation has become poorer in the past 8 years. Poorer in its standing in the world as well as in our pocket books. We've become poorer because too many have believed that if someone is different they are to be feared. To say that we are not a christian nation is saying that America is made up of many different faiths. And in this country you have the freedom to worship as you please. Nothing more, nothing less. Regardless of the principles the country may have been founded on. The over arching principle is Freedom from excessive government interference in our personal lives.
Senator Obama is Not a Muslim, though it shouldn't matter if he were. He does Not believe in abortion. He believes that a woman should make that decision with her doctor, her mate and her own faith beliefs. That is not an endorsement of abortion. This is also my personal belief. I deplore abortion but, it's NOT my place to even suggest to any woman what to do with her body that I'm not married to.
The Christian Right says it doesn't want "Activist Judges" legislating from the Supreme Court. But it wants Judges that will over turn Roe v. Wade. That by definition is legislating from the bench. Roe v. Wade has been the law of the land for 30+ years like it or not. To over turn that precedent IS legislating from the bench. The right wants less government everywhere except for in our bedrooms. That's a bunch of bull. (Sorry for the harsh language.);)
I was even in a Sunday School class were many people said you couldn't be a Christian and a Democrat. I quietly got up and left. No love of Christ there.
So if you are my brother or sister in Christ. Love me as such. Love Mr. Obama as such. You can do that and still not agree with his or my politics. Why? Because Christ himself told us to.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Finding MY Voice with the Election
I've struggled with finding my voice during this election season. The question asked me most is how do I feel about Barack Obama becoming the first Black man/African American to be President? As James Brown, rest his soul, would say, "I Feel Good!"
On a more serious note, I have tended to hedge on my response. Just like Senator Obama, I don't want 'race' to be overly emphasized. I've always tended to hedge on those questions to white people. They're the only ones who ask me. But this is MY blog and what I really think is that it is totally Freakin' Awesome!! And if he doesn't get elected it will only be because of the racism spewing from the so called "Christian" Right. More on that later...
My excitement is not just that he's Black and in this case given his biological make up, actually is African American. Rather it's a combination of him being Black like me AND we are the same age! He is in the case actually like ME. That is a totally New feeling that I struggle getting my emotions and thoughts around. They're too big. I so overcome with emotion the night of Mr. Obama's nomination that I wept on my couch during his acceptance speech.
This might REALLY happen!!
We both come from humble circumstances and one way or another found a way through or over the obstacles in our way to education, jobs, etc. We both have an undeniable connection to white folks that shaped our thinking as well as some good Black folk, some old folks, etc. We've both been willing to learn from anyone who had good ideas and let them mold us, while learning to define ourselves on our own terms.
Where we differ is my father was around. (I love that man.) and the levels and types of our education are wildly different. I got a fabulous education from Baker University majoring in Music Education and also have teaching creditials in English as a Second Language. Mr. Obama's Yale education and Law degree's have been much touted and rightfully so.
What is also very much worth noting is that I didn't get the message that I could be president. Quite honestly I didn't have those types of aspirations. I was 'Little Johnny NASA'. I wanted to be an astronaut. But somewhere along the line I was told "Black people don't do math", so.... as you can guess I sucked at math virtually all my life. As kids, we believe what we're told. Maybe I would have had the salt to be an astronaut, maybe not. But I would have liked to have had the been told Black people are great at math!
But what I do know is the right man did get the right message and that man is Barack Obama. We both surely heard Jesse Jackson as kids say "I AM somebody". I did hear and believe that. Still do. Because it's true.
I don't regret my life. I've done well for myself. We are on the edge of great things in America. Barack Obama is the man to lead us there.
On a more serious note, I have tended to hedge on my response. Just like Senator Obama, I don't want 'race' to be overly emphasized. I've always tended to hedge on those questions to white people. They're the only ones who ask me. But this is MY blog and what I really think is that it is totally Freakin' Awesome!! And if he doesn't get elected it will only be because of the racism spewing from the so called "Christian" Right. More on that later...
My excitement is not just that he's Black and in this case given his biological make up, actually is African American. Rather it's a combination of him being Black like me AND we are the same age! He is in the case actually like ME. That is a totally New feeling that I struggle getting my emotions and thoughts around. They're too big. I so overcome with emotion the night of Mr. Obama's nomination that I wept on my couch during his acceptance speech.
This might REALLY happen!!
We both come from humble circumstances and one way or another found a way through or over the obstacles in our way to education, jobs, etc. We both have an undeniable connection to white folks that shaped our thinking as well as some good Black folk, some old folks, etc. We've both been willing to learn from anyone who had good ideas and let them mold us, while learning to define ourselves on our own terms.
Where we differ is my father was around. (I love that man.) and the levels and types of our education are wildly different. I got a fabulous education from Baker University majoring in Music Education and also have teaching creditials in English as a Second Language. Mr. Obama's Yale education and Law degree's have been much touted and rightfully so.
What is also very much worth noting is that I didn't get the message that I could be president. Quite honestly I didn't have those types of aspirations. I was 'Little Johnny NASA'. I wanted to be an astronaut. But somewhere along the line I was told "Black people don't do math", so.... as you can guess I sucked at math virtually all my life. As kids, we believe what we're told. Maybe I would have had the salt to be an astronaut, maybe not. But I would have liked to have had the been told Black people are great at math!
But what I do know is the right man did get the right message and that man is Barack Obama. We both surely heard Jesse Jackson as kids say "I AM somebody". I did hear and believe that. Still do. Because it's true.
I don't regret my life. I've done well for myself. We are on the edge of great things in America. Barack Obama is the man to lead us there.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Is God a Repulican or a Democrat?
I've heard this question asked every four years just like clock work. The gears of the clock is the election of a President for the United States of America. Strangely I hadn't heard the question from anyone until I heard the sound of my own voice asking.
Today I opened an email from my very good and dear friend Mike the Republican. He truly is my good and most dear friends. I was even best man at his wedding! Mike and I loved and nurtured each other through some very trying times in each others life. But every once in a while he says or does something that makes me want to shake the hell out of him.
The subject of today's email, a forward, was a one minute prayer. While it didn't say specifically McCain is good and Obama is evil, the author of the was concerned that Christian might not vote "Christian Values". I seriously snapped when I read that part as well as the Bible quote that followed. My response was, "I pray fervently, I vote Christian Values, AND I volunteer full time for the Barack Obama campaign."
The daring part here is that I replied to all. It's was a list of maybe 15 people. I don't usually go picking fights with people, but Mike drew first blood. He knows me well enough to know my politics. It's hard for me to believe there wasn't a hidden agenda in sending it to me. Thus, I fully expect my email to just blow up tomorrow. That's OK. It's something we should discuss. I just hope we can discuss it in a civil and dare I say christian way.
By the way, the question never gets answered. Personally I think God thinks it's a dumb question.
Today I opened an email from my very good and dear friend Mike the Republican. He truly is my good and most dear friends. I was even best man at his wedding! Mike and I loved and nurtured each other through some very trying times in each others life. But every once in a while he says or does something that makes me want to shake the hell out of him.
The subject of today's email, a forward, was a one minute prayer. While it didn't say specifically McCain is good and Obama is evil, the author of the was concerned that Christian might not vote "Christian Values". I seriously snapped when I read that part as well as the Bible quote that followed. My response was, "I pray fervently, I vote Christian Values, AND I volunteer full time for the Barack Obama campaign."
The daring part here is that I replied to all. It's was a list of maybe 15 people. I don't usually go picking fights with people, but Mike drew first blood. He knows me well enough to know my politics. It's hard for me to believe there wasn't a hidden agenda in sending it to me. Thus, I fully expect my email to just blow up tomorrow. That's OK. It's something we should discuss. I just hope we can discuss it in a civil and dare I say christian way.
By the way, the question never gets answered. Personally I think God thinks it's a dumb question.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Colin is MY BOY again!
When President Bush first took office almost 8 years ago, suffice it to say I was seriously bummed. The one ray of hope I had was Colin Powell was in his administration.
I, like so many others, admired Mr. Powell for his knowledge, experience, but above all his honesty. While I was disappointed in some of his positions, especially some those on racial and social issues, I dug the fact that was a straight shooter. (And while I disagreed at that time on those issues, appreciated his position because I once held the same positions. So I really understood what he was saying.)
The he made that speech to the U.N. endorsing and justifying why we needed to attack Iraq. I didn't trust the president any farther that I could throw Warren Sapp, but I did trust Colin Powell. He wasn't a war hawk and if he said, it must be true. Well we all know how that story ends. No weapons of mass destruction and me and many others feeling like we had been duped and betrayed by that last good guy.
Today Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for President. And! Simultaneously threw John McCain, Sarah Palin and the Republican party under a very large and swift moving bus! He has switched parties. He says he's still a Republican, but in short, just can't take it anymore. That is just CLASSIC!!
Ya think John McCain was making some angry faces at the debates. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when he got that news!!
A new day is coming! Yeah for us.
I, like so many others, admired Mr. Powell for his knowledge, experience, but above all his honesty. While I was disappointed in some of his positions, especially some those on racial and social issues, I dug the fact that was a straight shooter. (And while I disagreed at that time on those issues, appreciated his position because I once held the same positions. So I really understood what he was saying.)
The he made that speech to the U.N. endorsing and justifying why we needed to attack Iraq. I didn't trust the president any farther that I could throw Warren Sapp, but I did trust Colin Powell. He wasn't a war hawk and if he said, it must be true. Well we all know how that story ends. No weapons of mass destruction and me and many others feeling like we had been duped and betrayed by that last good guy.
Today Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for President. And! Simultaneously threw John McCain, Sarah Palin and the Republican party under a very large and swift moving bus! He has switched parties. He says he's still a Republican, but in short, just can't take it anymore. That is just CLASSIC!!
Ya think John McCain was making some angry faces at the debates. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when he got that news!!
A new day is coming! Yeah for us.
Nobody throws me my own gun and says Run, Nobody
I love the movie The Magnificent Seven. The title of this post is a very cool line from that movie. The gist of it is, I have the right to be in a given place as much as anybody, and I will not be run off. Thus he goes back and makes his stand.
This past Friday night my niece Lindsay got married. I think she would agree we have our own special relationship. She even requested a dance just for me at the reception. A memory I will cling to forever. Nick, her new husband, is sweet and gentle and I know will cherish her all her life. The trick here is Lindsay is a niece on my ex-wife's side of the family. Things have been...... shall we say odd, with me and her family for a while. Odd to the point where Lindsay wasn't entirely sure if she could/should invite me. That being said, I miss some of the family deeply. Lindsay and her sister Megan are right at the top of the list. Over the years I have felt a bit like that gunslinger in The Magnificent that has been thrown his own gun and told to run. But Friday things changed for me.
Thank you Darlene for inviting to sit at the clans table. It only lasted a few minutes but I am eternally grateful to you. It was Genuine gesture of your love for me. And to Kristy, my sister in law and mother of the bride, you still rock in my book! The two "outsiders" that held and supported the other in our own unique way in weird family times. You guys are the villagers that made me Want to come back and stand my ground!
So Lindsay and Megan (and Taylor) expect to have your Uncle Darryl back. But be careful what you wish for I may become that "weird" uncle. (Though I already sort of was.) But hopefully I'll be more of the "cool" uncle. But I hope my fate turns out better that of the gunfighter. He gets killed in the big shoot out at the end.
Post Script - I added Taylor in parenthesis on purpose. I've never had the relationship with him that I had with the girls. For various reasons I suppose. But when I saw and spoke to him at the wedding I was so impressed and excited to see the young man he's grown in to. I can see him thinking for himself in a way I hadn't before. It was VERY cool to see. Taylor's is a story I truly want to keep reading to see how it turns out!
This past Friday night my niece Lindsay got married. I think she would agree we have our own special relationship. She even requested a dance just for me at the reception. A memory I will cling to forever. Nick, her new husband, is sweet and gentle and I know will cherish her all her life. The trick here is Lindsay is a niece on my ex-wife's side of the family. Things have been...... shall we say odd, with me and her family for a while. Odd to the point where Lindsay wasn't entirely sure if she could/should invite me. That being said, I miss some of the family deeply. Lindsay and her sister Megan are right at the top of the list. Over the years I have felt a bit like that gunslinger in The Magnificent that has been thrown his own gun and told to run. But Friday things changed for me.
Thank you Darlene for inviting to sit at the clans table. It only lasted a few minutes but I am eternally grateful to you. It was Genuine gesture of your love for me. And to Kristy, my sister in law and mother of the bride, you still rock in my book! The two "outsiders" that held and supported the other in our own unique way in weird family times. You guys are the villagers that made me Want to come back and stand my ground!
So Lindsay and Megan (and Taylor) expect to have your Uncle Darryl back. But be careful what you wish for I may become that "weird" uncle. (Though I already sort of was.) But hopefully I'll be more of the "cool" uncle. But I hope my fate turns out better that of the gunfighter. He gets killed in the big shoot out at the end.
Post Script - I added Taylor in parenthesis on purpose. I've never had the relationship with him that I had with the girls. For various reasons I suppose. But when I saw and spoke to him at the wedding I was so impressed and excited to see the young man he's grown in to. I can see him thinking for himself in a way I hadn't before. It was VERY cool to see. Taylor's is a story I truly want to keep reading to see how it turns out!
Friday, October 17, 2008
I love good grass!
I don't cut the grass. I mow the lawn.
There is something special that wells up inside me when I'm mowing the lawn. I can never really quite put my finger on it. But it's a oneness of sorts. I love being outside. I love making tall grass short. I am nothing short of Botticelli when it comes to using my edger. (I looked at the neighbor totally crazy when he asked to borrow my "weed whacker". Heavens Sake!!)
I get my good lawn habits from my dad. (I love that man! More about him another day.) But basically it is a since of pride. I don't understand people who pay 100+ thousands of dollars for a house and their lawn looks like crap. Even if you only paid 100 dollars for it, it's your little piece of the rock. Neither I or my family got our 40 acres and a mule. So now that I've got my own house and my own grass every body who passes by will know there lives a man who cares: about grass but more importantly about history and how others paved a way for him to have his very own good grass.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
My year, my brain and water the seeds (It's kinda long, sorry.)
In the intro to this blog, I said it has been a "trippy year". Trippy is the nicest word I could thing of. In fact it's been a personally tragic year in many ways. Whoa is me, let me count the ways. (That's my own goofy way of saying here's the shit from this year.) I considered different ways to make this easy reading and hope this method works for you.
January - Brain seizures make me pass out. Multiple test to discover why, at no small cost I might add. Diagnosis: Dude we have no idea. We'll have to wait for it to happen again. That'll be X$$. Thanks for nothin' doc. Begin treatment on my eyes to improve my vision, which in fact makes my eyes worse. Ugh!
February - Resigned from my job here in CoMO to move to KC to be with the woman I loved and planned to marry. Eyes blurry, very blurry!
March - Woman of my dreams dumps me. WTF!! Eyes still crazy.
April - June Put my house on the market. Just gotta get out of Columbia! Some students loose their minds and accuse me of improper conduct. I am exonerated of each false claim. But Damn can I get an administrator to say "stop lying on your teacher. Shut up and get out of my office." I know they want an environment of in which kids feel safe, but dang, what about the teachers, don't WE need to feel safe?! Truly, too many times, schools have become a place of the inmates running the asylum. So, I am not disappointed to have resigned on that level.
May - Mother is diagnosed with Colon Cancer. Simultaneously, I am offered a teacher job in Taiwan. Cool! but awkward.
June - Recruited for a job in KC. Again, Cool! Good money and I can stay in the U.S. But the process takes forever and in September the job is given to someone else. Ugh!
August - Mother has surgery to remove tumor. 2 weeks later after biopsy the diagnosis is changed to Malignant Melanoma that has gone to her internal organs. There's no treatment. She's dying. :(
(It's important to mention here, I'm Black and never paid much attention to the sun and skin diseases. Thought melanoma was a "white thing". So if you're reading this, please wear sunscreen. I do now!)
October - No job or prospects that I can see clearly. The best prospects for me to teach English as a Second Language are out of the country... Asia or the Middle East. BUT... My house still hasn't sold and my mother is dying. So........?
Now that I've said all that... I will not blame my situation on the circustances of life. Though I have on occaision been accused of being overly negative. (I simply point out the facts are the facts.) I think of myself as being realistic as opposed to being pesimistic. Ultimately when the dust clears, I'm pragmatic, saying "OK..... now what?" I pick myself up and stumble on.
Lately I find myself somewhere between being afraid to ask what else can go wrong and waiting for the next shoe to drop. I've been stuck here a while and if one more person says "things happen for a reason" I'm going to scream. Maybe it does..... but maybe just maybe things happen to everybody and it's just my turn.
I find myself deeply uncertain of what I'm doing. That's no revelation. But not knowing where I was going... that's a new frustration. In the past when stuff happened, I usually had a sense of direction and just needed to figure out how to get over or around the obstacle. A more appropriate question my be "Where's D headed?" rather than, Where in the World is D?.
But then the other day I had a thought. A revelation of sorts. "Bloom where you're planted." I had heard it a zillion times in my life, but never seemed to apply until now. I would love to bloom right here.
I just wish I knew what seeds were in the ground.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Me and my car
They say, whoever "they" are, that you can measure a man by how he dresses and by what he drives. In my case, how I dress probably applies, but by what I drive... Not even close. Someday I'll post a picture of myself, but for now you see a picture of my car. It's fun, sporty, some say sexy. And given I'm 47 years old it is often suggested, a mid-life crisis. It's definitely fun and sporty! Sexy, gosh I just don't know about such things. If so, were are all the lingerie models?! (I'm just sayin')
What it is, is affirmation. Not of wealth or some worldly success, but actually one of love and understanding. You see, I've wanted a Corvette for the last 20 years or so. I don't know if you've priced a 'Vette lately, but they ain't cheap. When Saturn came out with this sporty little number the Sky, the possibility of seemed feasible to have a fun car, if not an actual corvette. But, lest I forget, I was a single parent of a 16 yr. old son at the time. As I was fretting over if I could make the payments or not, he came and sat beside me and said, "Papa, you've spent all your time and energy raising me and Sean. Just do something nice for yourself this one time."
So you see, In that one instant, I had affirmation that not only was I loved, but my son "got it". He understood and appreciated that parenthood is complicated and we do the best we can and hope our kids don't turn out a crazy as we are. It's a given that he will be some day. We all, no matter how hard we try turn in to our parents on some level. But in this case. I think I can have some hope that he'll be OK. And every time I get in the car, I think of Tim, and smile.
What it is, is affirmation. Not of wealth or some worldly success, but actually one of love and understanding. You see, I've wanted a Corvette for the last 20 years or so. I don't know if you've priced a 'Vette lately, but they ain't cheap. When Saturn came out with this sporty little number the Sky, the possibility of seemed feasible to have a fun car, if not an actual corvette. But, lest I forget, I was a single parent of a 16 yr. old son at the time. As I was fretting over if I could make the payments or not, he came and sat beside me and said, "Papa, you've spent all your time and energy raising me and Sean. Just do something nice for yourself this one time."
So you see, In that one instant, I had affirmation that not only was I loved, but my son "got it". He understood and appreciated that parenthood is complicated and we do the best we can and hope our kids don't turn out a crazy as we are. It's a given that he will be some day. We all, no matter how hard we try turn in to our parents on some level. But in this case. I think I can have some hope that he'll be OK. And every time I get in the car, I think of Tim, and smile.
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