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Where in the World is D Today?
Swingin' with Nancy Wilson!
This Christmas is going to be different. I've had a tough time finding the Christmas Spirit. BUT, no matter my mood or station in life, Christmas has to be recognized. Hope you like Nancy's version of this special Christmas song. Peace and Goodwill to All men.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I Think Therefore I Am.. Really!?
Where in the World is D Today?
Try to STOP thinking.
I think, therefore I am. What the heck is that supposed to mean? I think Descartes got it all wrong. (Warning: What is about to follow is going to go in a circle. Usually I am VERY concrete sequential but my brain is all over the road these days. I am aware of it but I couldn't get these thoughts in a straight line.)
I am first and foremost, a THINKER. As a parent and as a teacher I have thought to myself too many times to count, "What were you thinking?!" Usually followed by a, "I don't know". Followed by the grown up, "You WEREN'T! You didn't think!" So.... If they weren't thinking, did they stop existing. NO! Even when I secretly wished it. (Of students, not of my kids..... well maybe once or twice.)
As an educated and "thinking" person, I get what Descartes was saying. But at this point in my life.... Well, I just think it's dumb. I also read some Asian philosophy years ago. Forgive me if you know of this and I misquote it. It went something like this: "There is nothing you must Be. There is nothing you must Do. But it's important to know that fire burns and when it rains the earth gets wet. Well, DUH! But really, I don't get it. I'm trying, but I know there's more there than meets the eye.
Over the past week, plus a few days, in dealing with my mothers death and trying to get my brain and heart in the same place. (by the way, I don't think it can be done. (Emotions and rational think are strange bedfellows. They ARE mutually exclusive.) No less than 3 people, all older and wiser whom opinions I deeply respect, have said in their own way the following. "Darryl, you are WAY too serious. Lighten up and have fun in life. Enjoy TODAY." I completely and whole heartedly agree. But in order to do that, I have to ... (say it with me) Stop thinking so much! Because it seems to me, that those whose ARE having the most fun in life are the same ones who I would say, "What were you thinking?!", to. As they smile that impish smile and shrug their shoulders.
I haven't seen the movie Yes Man, well gosh, because it hasn't come out yet. But from the previews, I think I need to be more of a yes man. So how does one, me in this case, go from being a Dudley Do-Right, Jimeney Cricket type, to WooHOO! Living la vida loca. There's got to be a middle ground right?!
In trying to have "fun" in life, something I've never been consistently good at, I think I've learned something I'm gonna have to do. Forgive easily. Myself and others. That doesn't mean I or anyone else get a free pass. Here's the deal, as long as there have been people on the earth, I believe Adam and Eve were the first two, they have been screwing up. Adam and Eve had a pretty sweet deal. Take care of a garden that really took care of itself. There were only two people so it's not like there was a lot of trash. The earth was perfect so things kinda took care of itself. They got to hang out with God. OK, let me say that again. They got to hangout with God. So it's doesn't really get any cooler than that. So in life was about as good as you could get. They was only one rule. Don't eat from that tree over there. But NO, they just couldn't do that one very simple thing and don't get me started on their knucklehead kids. Did God forgive them, Of course. Were there consequences, you bet. Big Ones. Did Adam and Eve go on to have fruitful and productive lives. Absolutely.
The thing about forgiveness of is we have to learn how to forgive ourselves too. That's probably tougher than getting the forgiveness of others. At least it is for me. I forgive others far more easily than myself.
Back to this fun thing and thinking, or not thinking in this case. If I set out on this quest and I likely to fail, a lot, at first. I shudder to think, oops, I'm not supposed to do that. Old habits die hard. Sorry I digress.
Forgiving failure of myself and others is a must. So if you know me and I screw up, know I'm a bit out of my element right now. There's no malicious intent. Cut me and those other goofballs in our lives a little slack when you want to say, "What the Heck where you thinking?!"
"I wasn't" Descartes was wrong. Because I'm still here and it appears I'm all wet as well.
Try to STOP thinking.
I think, therefore I am. What the heck is that supposed to mean? I think Descartes got it all wrong. (Warning: What is about to follow is going to go in a circle. Usually I am VERY concrete sequential but my brain is all over the road these days. I am aware of it but I couldn't get these thoughts in a straight line.)
I am first and foremost, a THINKER. As a parent and as a teacher I have thought to myself too many times to count, "What were you thinking?!" Usually followed by a, "I don't know". Followed by the grown up, "You WEREN'T! You didn't think!" So.... If they weren't thinking, did they stop existing. NO! Even when I secretly wished it. (Of students, not of my kids..... well maybe once or twice.)
As an educated and "thinking" person, I get what Descartes was saying. But at this point in my life.... Well, I just think it's dumb. I also read some Asian philosophy years ago. Forgive me if you know of this and I misquote it. It went something like this: "There is nothing you must Be. There is nothing you must Do. But it's important to know that fire burns and when it rains the earth gets wet. Well, DUH! But really, I don't get it. I'm trying, but I know there's more there than meets the eye.
Over the past week, plus a few days, in dealing with my mothers death and trying to get my brain and heart in the same place. (by the way, I don't think it can be done. (Emotions and rational think are strange bedfellows. They ARE mutually exclusive.) No less than 3 people, all older and wiser whom opinions I deeply respect, have said in their own way the following. "Darryl, you are WAY too serious. Lighten up and have fun in life. Enjoy TODAY." I completely and whole heartedly agree. But in order to do that, I have to ... (say it with me) Stop thinking so much! Because it seems to me, that those whose ARE having the most fun in life are the same ones who I would say, "What were you thinking?!", to. As they smile that impish smile and shrug their shoulders.
I haven't seen the movie Yes Man, well gosh, because it hasn't come out yet. But from the previews, I think I need to be more of a yes man. So how does one, me in this case, go from being a Dudley Do-Right, Jimeney Cricket type, to WooHOO! Living la vida loca. There's got to be a middle ground right?!
In trying to have "fun" in life, something I've never been consistently good at, I think I've learned something I'm gonna have to do. Forgive easily. Myself and others. That doesn't mean I or anyone else get a free pass. Here's the deal, as long as there have been people on the earth, I believe Adam and Eve were the first two, they have been screwing up. Adam and Eve had a pretty sweet deal. Take care of a garden that really took care of itself. There were only two people so it's not like there was a lot of trash. The earth was perfect so things kinda took care of itself. They got to hang out with God. OK, let me say that again. They got to hangout with God. So it's doesn't really get any cooler than that. So in life was about as good as you could get. They was only one rule. Don't eat from that tree over there. But NO, they just couldn't do that one very simple thing and don't get me started on their knucklehead kids. Did God forgive them, Of course. Were there consequences, you bet. Big Ones. Did Adam and Eve go on to have fruitful and productive lives. Absolutely.
The thing about forgiveness of is we have to learn how to forgive ourselves too. That's probably tougher than getting the forgiveness of others. At least it is for me. I forgive others far more easily than myself.
Back to this fun thing and thinking, or not thinking in this case. If I set out on this quest and I likely to fail, a lot, at first. I shudder to think, oops, I'm not supposed to do that. Old habits die hard. Sorry I digress.
Forgiving failure of myself and others is a must. So if you know me and I screw up, know I'm a bit out of my element right now. There's no malicious intent. Cut me and those other goofballs in our lives a little slack when you want to say, "What the Heck where you thinking?!"
"I wasn't" Descartes was wrong. Because I'm still here and it appears I'm all wet as well.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Funky Mood
Where in the world is D today?
Preparing for this mother's funeral.
Tomorrow we are going to lay my mother's body to rest.
For the last week or so, I haven't known what to do with my emotions. I tend to be pretty stoic about death and such things. But over the weekend, and into today, heading into tomorrow - my mind and heart have been the proverbial rollercoaster ride. I don't know what Rachmaninov had in mind when he wrote his Prelude in C# Minor, but it encompasses the chaos and strangeness in my mind and heart over the last several days.
Music is the best way for me to express my thoughts these days.
Preparing for this mother's funeral.
Tomorrow we are going to lay my mother's body to rest.
For the last week or so, I haven't known what to do with my emotions. I tend to be pretty stoic about death and such things. But over the weekend, and into today, heading into tomorrow - my mind and heart have been the proverbial rollercoaster ride. I don't know what Rachmaninov had in mind when he wrote his Prelude in C# Minor, but it encompasses the chaos and strangeness in my mind and heart over the last several days.
Music is the best way for me to express my thoughts these days.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Good Night Ma :(
Where in the World is D today?
Mourning my mothers death.
My mother was the matriarch of the family. She lived a long and full life. The Cosby's we ain't, but none of us kids are in jail, all graduated from high school, I graduated from college, all are reasonably productive members of society. We're just everyday folk, living everyday lives. Some ups, some downs.
My mother died yesterday. Here are a few observations of the experience. I wrote a few weeks ago about a lady who died alone. My mother did not. She was at home surrounded by her children and some grandchildren. She went quietly but fought to the very end. So I can't say it was easy. It would be very uncharacteristic of my mother to give in easily. So that makes me smile a little.
I have not had a hard cry yet. I've been processing this outcome for a long time and to this point intellect has overridden emotion. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
She died around 4 PM. The mortuary picked up her body between 7:30 and 8PM. This means my mothers lifeless body was there in a house full of people for approximately 4 hours. And not once during that time did it seem strange. Family meandered in and out past her body easily, yet respectfully. Each stopping to say goodbye; to touch her, to kiss her, to tell her one last story, or to pass through to the kitchen to get a drink or food. It took on a different meaning when they came for her and my sister said, "If you want to see her before the take her, this is your last chance." I went in one last time, as did everyone else. I don't know what everyone else thought, but my thoughts were, "This is the last time I will see my mother in a natural state." A person after being embalmed looks anything but natural.
I sighed a sigh of relief when I was by myself. I was glad she was finally released from that broken body.
I have absolutely no doubt that my mother is singing and dancing with Angels tonight. She believed, as do I, that Christ is our Lord and Savior. There are few things that I am absolutely, unequivocally, 100% sure of... except for this.
I've seen people kiss a deceased person before, but I never had. I thought it was... odd. I kissed my mom yesterday. I "get it" now.
Good Night Ma.
Mourning my mothers death.
My mother was the matriarch of the family. She lived a long and full life. The Cosby's we ain't, but none of us kids are in jail, all graduated from high school, I graduated from college, all are reasonably productive members of society. We're just everyday folk, living everyday lives. Some ups, some downs.
My mother died yesterday. Here are a few observations of the experience. I wrote a few weeks ago about a lady who died alone. My mother did not. She was at home surrounded by her children and some grandchildren. She went quietly but fought to the very end. So I can't say it was easy. It would be very uncharacteristic of my mother to give in easily. So that makes me smile a little.
I have not had a hard cry yet. I've been processing this outcome for a long time and to this point intellect has overridden emotion. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
She died around 4 PM. The mortuary picked up her body between 7:30 and 8PM. This means my mothers lifeless body was there in a house full of people for approximately 4 hours. And not once during that time did it seem strange. Family meandered in and out past her body easily, yet respectfully. Each stopping to say goodbye; to touch her, to kiss her, to tell her one last story, or to pass through to the kitchen to get a drink or food. It took on a different meaning when they came for her and my sister said, "If you want to see her before the take her, this is your last chance." I went in one last time, as did everyone else. I don't know what everyone else thought, but my thoughts were, "This is the last time I will see my mother in a natural state." A person after being embalmed looks anything but natural.
I sighed a sigh of relief when I was by myself. I was glad she was finally released from that broken body.
I have absolutely no doubt that my mother is singing and dancing with Angels tonight. She believed, as do I, that Christ is our Lord and Savior. There are few things that I am absolutely, unequivocally, 100% sure of... except for this.
I've seen people kiss a deceased person before, but I never had. I thought it was... odd. I kissed my mom yesterday. I "get it" now.
Good Night Ma.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
A Near Catastrophe... In My Book
Where in the World is D Today?
Thanking his lucky stars for the lack of a robe!
I've decided that "normal" has a sliding scale. Or am I the only one who has looked at someone doing something that seems OK to them and responded, "DUDE?!"? If you've never had a similar response, skip today's blog entry. If you have, feel free to proceed.
In many ways I am like every other man out there. I have multiple remotes, thinks "pull my finger" jokes are funny, love the Miller Lite Man Law commercials, and still secretly wishes he still had his Farah Fawcett poster from the 70's. (I actually never had THAT poster. But I know men who did and do have that secret wish.) In other ways, I'm WAY different from every other man out there. I'm OK with the Designated Hitter, I like romantic comedies, find cooking and cleaning therapeutic, and believes chivalry is proper, not old fashioned.
Today, there was a snafu with the modeling assignments. No problem. To err is human... Two models were assigned to the same class at the same time. I arrived first for what I thought was a clothed assignment. I enter the room.
"Do you have a robe?"
"I'm sorry, I was told this was a clothed assignment."
"Did you Bring...A... Robe? There were to models assigned. There was only supposed to be one. I don't know if there's going to be two. Blah, blah, blah" (My head is spinning now. Why is she angry with me?
"Yes, I have a locker down the hall?"
"Good. Go get it. We'll work with both of you if the other model shows."
I'm walking down the hall thinking. Cool, I can use the extra money that comes with modeling sans clothing. I get my stuff, come back in the room. The second model has arrived. It's a WOMAN!(I look at her. She looks at me. I wish I could say I said "Oh crap." I didn't, but it was something very similar. But, thank heavens, she got the same message as I did and did not have a robe. Catastrophe Averted!! I make sure she is comfortable with me being nude and her not. She's OK. We are professionals and class goes on without a hitch. Except at the end when we both thought the teacher said the last pose would be of us together. Slight panic from us both. There were two platforms and the teacher wanted the students to put both of us in the picture. We were never closer than 5 feet together the whole time and never faced each other.
I was SOOOOOOOOO thankful that she did not have a robe. This is were I probably differ from most other men. I can hear it now, "DUDE?!" Yes indeed we were both professional, I would have been so amazingly embarrassed if she were nude. Let me explain.
The times that I have modeled nude have been the most NON-SEXUAL experiences of my life without clothes. Truly. Art models are glorified bowls of fruits. Without clothes, I'm fruit with musculature. It's so non-sexual that when I first did it I almost wanted to say, "Just for the record. It's really cold in this room." A mans body acts very differently than a womans when he's cold. Anyway... We wear robes during breaks, if for no other reason than nekkid fruit walking around the room is just weird!
Men are also HYPER-VISUAL creatures, even in a cold room. We know it, and I think most women know it too. Many a man has been elbowed or slapped in the back of his head because of his eyes. My eyes could have only lead me into trouble today.
I need money for the holiday's as much as anyone. A robe for her would have forced me to leave a job on the table. Because, I'm nothing if not a gentleman.
Thanking his lucky stars for the lack of a robe!
I've decided that "normal" has a sliding scale. Or am I the only one who has looked at someone doing something that seems OK to them and responded, "DUDE?!"? If you've never had a similar response, skip today's blog entry. If you have, feel free to proceed.
In many ways I am like every other man out there. I have multiple remotes, thinks "pull my finger" jokes are funny, love the Miller Lite Man Law commercials, and still secretly wishes he still had his Farah Fawcett poster from the 70's. (I actually never had THAT poster. But I know men who did and do have that secret wish.) In other ways, I'm WAY different from every other man out there. I'm OK with the Designated Hitter, I like romantic comedies, find cooking and cleaning therapeutic, and believes chivalry is proper, not old fashioned.
Today, there was a snafu with the modeling assignments. No problem. To err is human... Two models were assigned to the same class at the same time. I arrived first for what I thought was a clothed assignment. I enter the room.
"Do you have a robe?"
"I'm sorry, I was told this was a clothed assignment."
"Did you Bring...A... Robe? There were to models assigned. There was only supposed to be one. I don't know if there's going to be two. Blah, blah, blah" (My head is spinning now. Why is she angry with me?
"Yes, I have a locker down the hall?"
"Good. Go get it. We'll work with both of you if the other model shows."
I'm walking down the hall thinking. Cool, I can use the extra money that comes with modeling sans clothing. I get my stuff, come back in the room. The second model has arrived. It's a WOMAN!(I look at her. She looks at me. I wish I could say I said "Oh crap." I didn't, but it was something very similar. But, thank heavens, she got the same message as I did and did not have a robe. Catastrophe Averted!! I make sure she is comfortable with me being nude and her not. She's OK. We are professionals and class goes on without a hitch. Except at the end when we both thought the teacher said the last pose would be of us together. Slight panic from us both. There were two platforms and the teacher wanted the students to put both of us in the picture. We were never closer than 5 feet together the whole time and never faced each other.
I was SOOOOOOOOO thankful that she did not have a robe. This is were I probably differ from most other men. I can hear it now, "DUDE?!" Yes indeed we were both professional, I would have been so amazingly embarrassed if she were nude. Let me explain.
The times that I have modeled nude have been the most NON-SEXUAL experiences of my life without clothes. Truly. Art models are glorified bowls of fruits. Without clothes, I'm fruit with musculature. It's so non-sexual that when I first did it I almost wanted to say, "Just for the record. It's really cold in this room." A mans body acts very differently than a womans when he's cold. Anyway... We wear robes during breaks, if for no other reason than nekkid fruit walking around the room is just weird!
Men are also HYPER-VISUAL creatures, even in a cold room. We know it, and I think most women know it too. Many a man has been elbowed or slapped in the back of his head because of his eyes. My eyes could have only lead me into trouble today.
I need money for the holiday's as much as anyone. A robe for her would have forced me to leave a job on the table. Because, I'm nothing if not a gentleman.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Invisibility
Where in the World is D today?
Same place as usual, but can you see me?
I really like the radio program This American Life. This show is right up my alley for looking at normal everyday types of stuff in a different way. If you're not familiar with it, you ought to trying listening some time. Every week they take a theme and have 3-5 stories/essays on that theme. A few weeks ago the theme was Home Alone. The first story of home alone is what has been bumping around in my head for the past couple of weeks.
Mary Ann was an older lady who lived and ultimately died, alone, in L.A. It turns out that the L.A. Police dept. has a unit of people to look into and find relatives. There was nothing.... no one. Eventually they found a nephew. Mary Ann's cremated remains were eventually buried in a grave with a bunch of other, over 300, unclaimed people over 10 years.
This, along with my mother dying from cancer, got me thinking about my solitary life. We live in a world built for couples. Unlike Mary Ann though, I do have family that would claim me. It would be a short search to find them. But that's not the issue. The real issue is how long would it take for somebody to realize I was dead?
My neighbors know me. I'm the guy that gives gifts of bread and cookies every fall to the houses around me. I like to cook and I couldn't possibly eat it all. They know my snazzy little car. They appreciate when I walk over to say the party is a bit too loud instead of calling the police. Sometimes I even hangout and have a beer with them. I'm pretty sure I'm well liked and respected. BUT..... It is not uncommon for me to go several days, even a week with no meaningful, face to face, contact with other humans.
Yes, Of course, I leave the house. People see my body wondering about, but as an unemployed person, no body expects me to be anywhere, so I wouldn't be missed. I am in fact, invisible in our society.
I was born with a factory second body and have made my peace with death long ago. I don't fear it, but I don't think I want to die alone either, especially if I KNOW it's the end. Even as a Believer in Christ and life in Heaven where I know I will be better off. To die alone is a sad thing to have happen to anyone.
None of us knows when it's our time to go. So I've tried to quietly get my house in order, just in case.
If I do go alone and my organs spoil, I'm going to be really ticked! It may sound strange, but because of the aforementioned birth defect, I can't give blood, but I am proud to say I am an Organ Donor . I've been taking pretty good care of my body so somebody can have a good heart, or lungs, kidneys or liver. (I don't have a gall bladder or spleen anymore.) I want the doctors to take it all! Every time I see a blood drive advertisement I get a little sad, but take comfort in all the other cool stuff I get to share. Hopefully later than sooner for the record.
I will continue my quest for partnership, love, whatever may come .... But in the meantime, if you see me looking peeked, SEE ME. Make sure somebody gets my stuff!
(As an aside, if you're reading this and you're not an organ donor, please think about donating your organs. They might come in handy after you don't need them them anymore.)
Same place as usual, but can you see me?
I really like the radio program This American Life. This show is right up my alley for looking at normal everyday types of stuff in a different way. If you're not familiar with it, you ought to trying listening some time. Every week they take a theme and have 3-5 stories/essays on that theme. A few weeks ago the theme was Home Alone. The first story of home alone is what has been bumping around in my head for the past couple of weeks.
Mary Ann was an older lady who lived and ultimately died, alone, in L.A. It turns out that the L.A. Police dept. has a unit of people to look into and find relatives. There was nothing.... no one. Eventually they found a nephew. Mary Ann's cremated remains were eventually buried in a grave with a bunch of other, over 300, unclaimed people over 10 years.
This, along with my mother dying from cancer, got me thinking about my solitary life. We live in a world built for couples. Unlike Mary Ann though, I do have family that would claim me. It would be a short search to find them. But that's not the issue. The real issue is how long would it take for somebody to realize I was dead?
My neighbors know me. I'm the guy that gives gifts of bread and cookies every fall to the houses around me. I like to cook and I couldn't possibly eat it all. They know my snazzy little car. They appreciate when I walk over to say the party is a bit too loud instead of calling the police. Sometimes I even hangout and have a beer with them. I'm pretty sure I'm well liked and respected. BUT..... It is not uncommon for me to go several days, even a week with no meaningful, face to face, contact with other humans.
Yes, Of course, I leave the house. People see my body wondering about, but as an unemployed person, no body expects me to be anywhere, so I wouldn't be missed. I am in fact, invisible in our society.
I was born with a factory second body and have made my peace with death long ago. I don't fear it, but I don't think I want to die alone either, especially if I KNOW it's the end. Even as a Believer in Christ and life in Heaven where I know I will be better off. To die alone is a sad thing to have happen to anyone.
None of us knows when it's our time to go. So I've tried to quietly get my house in order, just in case.
If I do go alone and my organs spoil, I'm going to be really ticked! It may sound strange, but because of the aforementioned birth defect, I can't give blood, but I am proud to say I am an Organ Donor . I've been taking pretty good care of my body so somebody can have a good heart, or lungs, kidneys or liver. (I don't have a gall bladder or spleen anymore.) I want the doctors to take it all! Every time I see a blood drive advertisement I get a little sad, but take comfort in all the other cool stuff I get to share. Hopefully later than sooner for the record.
I will continue my quest for partnership, love, whatever may come .... But in the meantime, if you see me looking peeked, SEE ME. Make sure somebody gets my stuff!
(As an aside, if you're reading this and you're not an organ donor, please think about donating your organs. They might come in handy after you don't need them them anymore.)
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